Dream

I think life is a journey, a metaphorically journey to find what we’re looking for.In my earlier year of life, i always dreaming to be rich and famous. But as i grow up now, i realize that money is just a paper and famous doesn't always bring happiness.It was philosopher Allan Watts who asked a really simple question. “what if money was no object? How would you really enjoy spending your life?”. His question demand an answer.what’s really makes me happy? what do i want for this life? and the most important question was “what is my dream?”.I start to dig out my soul to find the answer.Then, i found out it was writing that makes me happy. i want to be a writer. If destiny was a treasure map, it would be my “X”. I know that would not be easy. There would be a lot of obstacles along the way. I will dealing with waves of failures, the storm of fear and cold nights of hopelessness. But i understand that great sailor doesn't born in steady sea. Maybe I can spend my entire life blaming the world, but successes or failures are entirely my own responsibility. i have a dream to pursuit, a promise to fulfill, and a chest of treasure to open.Eleanor Roosevelt said that, “the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dream”.Even if the path ahead is covered with grey clouds above, I would sail the ocean far more further.I believe that as long as i have dream in my mind, there would be sprinkles of hope to carry on, a gasoline for mankind to keep alive. Because if i give up on my dream, what’s left?

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A journey inside my mind

It’s a late night when i suddenly wake up and  felt so strange with the distraction between reality and dream. I glance at my watch beside my pillow. It’s 2:56. I don’t know what i’m dreaming, something about fear and anxious i guess. I don’t know, i don’t remember what i dreaming though. The more i try to remember,the more the dreams get disorted. Like footprint that washed by the waves on the beach. Slowly fade,until it finally dissapear. All i can recall is the dream i dreamt leaving some sentimentally ache, push my brain to a heavy toughts even i don’t want to think about it. Thinking about life, particulary. I try to sleep again and not think about it, but i can’t. I get up from the bed and open my cabinet for some coffee. As i poured hot water from the dispenser, the thoughts is still there like thousand of people chattering on my head.

I think life is a journey, a metaphorically journey to find what we’re looking for. Sometimes, i don’t know what i’m looking for, but i know something is there. Something that i want find out what it is. But i don’t know what it is until i found it. There are a lot of stuff i don’t understand. I sometime wonder why would the universe want me to live or how’s fate works. That’s why. That’s why i afraid to facing the world out there. There would be lot of mean and heartless people that might hurt you. Break your heart apart. and everyone just keeps on disappearing. Some things vanish, like they were cut away. Others fade slowly into the mist. And all that remains is a desert. But you have to survive it somehow. Even when you’re in dark, even when you’re falling, even when the weight of the mountain is on your shoulder. You have to carry your own weight with your fragile foot even if the ground beneath you are collapsed. You have pushed to keep on walking, walking on this endless life journey that seems has no end. But it would ended. Sooner or later. With death as the ending of this journey.

Sometimes as the time passes, i feel like every second that happened thru my life is like something that push me from the edge of the cliff, something that want me to fall into the roughness world of adulthood, leaving all the innocent phase of childhood. Leaving all the colorful world of imaginations, replace it with the ugly truth of reality. The real life it self. It’s deep and dark world out there. some of them are trying hard to live. Just to live. And some other are walking with no purpose. Some of them wants to be exile. Some of them are already exiled. some of them are trapped. Trapped in the infinite loop of society sistem. They seems has to be lost their soul just to be live. Is this what universe want? Is this what the purpose why man live? Chasing something that you dont even want it? I think this is a crap. Our society system is whole big crap. They pushed us to chasing something after something until we finally get trapped in the whole big crap system called ‘society’. I don’t think that this is why man live. A real achievment of this journey is not what on the outside. But how you feel it inside.

“This early twentieth of your life might be the longest part of your life, i afraid.”

I saw him coming away from the corner of my room. Few black feathers falling,leaving some wind traces behind. I’m not surprised, I knew he would come. In fact,he practically never leave me. He’s the part of me that buried deep down there in the darkest space in my heart. The dark side of me has come. The alter ego.

”yes i afraid so” i said shortly

There’s some silent

“there are a lot of things has change inside you”

“there are a lot of things i don’t understand either”

“dont worry, i always be there”

“yeah because you’re me, you don’t even have physically form” i said sarcastically

“i will, soon as your dopelgangger”

“what is dopelgangger?”

“grim reaper”

“so this is the time?”

“no”

“then when?”

“i can’t tell. But you’ll know,sooner or later”

“alright then. So you’re the god?”

“no. I am you”

“so am i the god?”

“no, i am you. Your dark side”

“i don’t believe in you,this conversation ain’t even real. It just mentally conversation in my head”

“well,just... how you define real? if you can’t see things doesn’t mean it doesn’t real right?”

“so the whole real life it self is doesn’t real?”

“i guess so”

“what do you mean?”

“do you believe in afterlife?”

“well... i don’t know”

“well... i don’t know either” he’s trying to mimicking me.

“as i told you before, there are a lot of things i don’t understand”

“you will, eventually”

“how do you know?”

“because i am you,don’t you believe in your self? “

“sometimes i don’t believe in anybody, even my self”

“i know, i understand”

“so what’s the point you coming here?”

“why you asked me? You know why i’m here”

“i just worry and anxious. Worry about lot of things that might be happened in this real life”

He take a deep breath and exhaled it heavily

“you see, all young people worry about things eventually. All of them, no exception. It’s a natural and inevitable part of growing up”

“how do you know about such things i don’t know if you’re actually me?”

“you think too much and feel too little. Something are not meant to be to thinked,but to be felt. Some things are real,even when you can’t feel it. Some things are not meant to be exist,but it’s there. Like god or fate,they are not meant to be thinked about. But it’s there and it’s real,as real as the gravity that pull you down right now. Can you see gravity?”

“well... i can’t”

“i think that’s explain anything. Like you said before, what’s the matter is not what you have on the outside,but what you feel inside”

“i’m tired of being such an emotionally person. You see, sometimes i’d wake up at two or three in the morning and not able to fall asleep again. I’d get out of bed and staring at the window,watching the dark night sky fall, or sometime i just staring at the blank,crying. Silently. But what would i cry over? I don’t know either. I just feeling touchy sometimes. Thinking about people i might hurt, or people who hurt me. or maybe i think about the people i lost,about the memories that lost,about pain that remain in the heart,sentimentally ache feeling about fear and anxious.  It’s all mixed up. I don’t even know how to describe. Words are useless. If i could, i really want to blame it to someone or something. I really want to do it,but i don’t. I cry instead. I don’t want to hurt anyone. sometimes i get tired with emotions. Sometimes i wish i never had any emotions at all. Emotions are........ weak and painful” i can hear my voice tone raised.

“There would be lot of painful experience on this early twentieth year of your life. Life gets rough sometimes. But there would be the silver lining of this all, It always darkest before dawn. But it’s okay, you did the right thing i guess. Sometimes you have to give your emotions a chance to feel,because your mind at one point could be pointless. Sooner or later you’ll understand what’s it all means.”

I stare him for a while then i throw my face at opposite direction when he stare me back. we both silent. I can hear the sound of car engine echoing somewhere in the distance. The sound grow bold and then slowly fade away until it completely silence once again. The air was damp and chill, it looks like gonna be rain. I can see the early morning dew sparkling faintly on the empty lot in front of my room being blurred with scretched light bulp through my window. as the warm coffee’s steam pressed against my face,the sound of rain pelts start to filling my ears.

“i guess you are right” i said to him after sipping my coffee

“you know what more powerful emotions than fear?” He said without looking at me.

“what?”

“it’s hope. The fuel of all mankind to keep alive”

“yeah..... you are right. But hope isn’t even emotion”

“so how you classified hope?”

“well..... i don’t know either”

“it’s doesn’t matter whether hope is emotion or not. What’s matter is this : how dark and anxious you are,there always be the lights that lead you eventually”

I nod silently then sip my coffee again. I glance at his direction. He stare at the window,but he’s not there,not staring at the window in particular . I can see his eyes staring at the distant place, seems like he lost in his own toughts. Drowning into far away place through time and space, reaching memories or imagination beyond.

“I have to go” he said and glance at my direction.

I glance back at him and throw a smile. Then, like water spinning at the sink he slowly fade away into the darkness, seems like he dissapear into far far away land. But i know. I know, he’s not going anywhere. He’s still here, at the darkest side of my heart. I continue sips my coffee and staring at the window, watching the raindrops racing down like tears streaming down at your face. i glance at my watch. It’s 4:32 already. I can see the orange dawn’s early lights at the east distant horizon though it was raining. i finish my coffee,get back to my bed. I don’t know why but Oasis’s song Stop Crying Your Heart Out start mentally played in my mind like it was real.

..... cause all of the stars were faded away,just try not to worry you’ll see them someday. Take what you need, and be on your way and stop crying your heart out,stop crying your heart out.....

The song keep spinning around in my mind and slowly fade out as i lost my consciousness. Then, like phone lost its battery,  i fall asleep.

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The turning point

You fell into deep dark metaphorically symbolical sandstorm there.

You have to crawl,walk,run or whatever it takes to keep moving.

But everytime the time you try to move,your whole self start to aching.

it’s not only your heart that aching.

It’s you.

It’s all over you that aching.

And you have to find yourself back.

The storm might cut your flesh in every steps you take.

Hot red blood may spilled there, your bones are cracking.

But you can’t just stand there.

Your whole body would be turn into ashes.

And soon your soul will decay.

All you can do is just keep moving.

You have to keep moving until everythings fades.

It takes time,of course.

Maybe weeks, maybe months or even years.

But at the time you find yourself back, you would be a different person.

your behavior,point of view,thoughts and kind of things will be different.

It’s all change.

Until you realize something inside you had change

it’s no longer you used to be anymore

You’ve changed.

Pain makes you change.

“As the storm is over, you would be a different person as you come in”

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Love letter

It was my fresman year. My second freshman year. I’ve been having study before on engineering major. But I decided to quit, it’s a long story after all. After a long struggling trough deep sorrow and millions questions about life, I finally can walk on and pursue my dream, not my dream actually but at least I enjoyed what I’ve been having right now. Sometimes I don’t know what I want, what the purpose of life, so I don’t know whether it’s my dream or not. But life seems more better than before, than my previous year when I ran my life at the wrong place. And here I am, end up in this new society to starting a new life.

Everything feels good, feels like this is how life should be. I don’t know, maybe because I met this person. We’re having so many good times since I move here. We’ve talked about anything, we share about our story, we give each other shoulder when we felt the weight on the shoulder felt too heavy, we swept our each other tears when the pain in heart felt unbearable. It’s just…. Everything feels like home, everything seems better when she’s around. And I’ve been thinking about her everyday, I think I’m fall in love with her. I was so happy with her, but at the same time I was so afraid of losing her. Whenever I saw her, I feel like I see me in her, even though sometime I don’t understand my self either. Sometimes I feel like she’s right in front of me, but at the same time she seems like she was millions light years apart far away. Why? Because she never love me.

I don’t know what happened to me, I just love her without any vivid reason to explain. Maybe I know I was wrong since from the start, I should not falling in love with her. But I did, love happens. But even though like that, I still love her anyway, with or without any relationship. I know it hurt, but I already drown to her world. Maybe I’m fool, but I know what love is, and I know I love her, but she’s not. She loves someone else who better than me. I was so in love with her, but the more I love her the more I realize that I should let her go. It’s complicated emotions that even myself don’t understand. I won’t push myself too hard anymore, I’ll be just me for whatever lies beyond this path, and let happen whatever might happen. Maybe we’ll live and learn. Maybe we’ll crash and burn. Maybe you’ll stay, maybe you’ll leave, maybe you’ll return.

Love has taught me of great lessons of life, of joy, of pain, of smile, of tears, of everything. Love taught me how to make people you care about is happy, how to make them safe when they’re lonely, how to make them smile again after tears flowing in their eyes and how to be sincere when they walk away. I want to keep her in my heart to remind me of so much smile and joyful, sadness and tears, and another precious memories once we had and we’ve been through together even though she don’t felt the same thing as I felt. I hope that she’ll always remember me.

               “If you remember me, I don’t care everyone else to forget”

            Take care of yourself, I really do hope that you’re always happy for the life you have. I loved you, I love you, and I’ll always love you, it was you and always be you.

Ps : on her twentieth birthday i give her this letter. wherever you are now. i really do hope that you're happy with the life you live.

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We always have a choice

               A brand new life has started, after all of those struggle,finally I made it, I quit from my broken past. So I'll tell you from the beginning......

Its started when the second semester begun,I hardly to pay my college cost because I don't want to stay at that place again,I was sick and I can't stand it anymore. But my parents force me to stay at that place for at least one semester and then I cantake course to take another national exam next year. So with hard feeling I pay for those fuckin college payment,and I regret it. I just attend the class for just a week or two weeks,I don't remember it right and I don't freakin care,past is just a past right? Let it go. So long story short,I decided to take a break for calming down my trembling mind for a while,I take a trip to malaysia,to my dad's place. I went there with my mom and brother,I thought my dad has already understand why I'm leaving and take the trip,but no he's doesn't know a single thing and don't even understand why I'm leaving,he just blame at me and insisted me to stay at there. But I said no,I've already made decision for my future....

The two weeks trip doesn't enjoyed me at all,but at least I leave that college and don't see that place and it made me somehow more calm. And it is important to me to get more calm and leaving that world for a while because I guess I've got some mentally illness or kind of thing. Yes,I've try to visit to psychology treatment at near my former college,but I don't made it because it cost me a lot of money,poor me. So maybe I just need to make my head cool and let the time heal it. Back to the main story,I hardly spend my time at Malaysia even though my dad's place is way much better than my own. But that not make me happy,I don't know.... The place kind of isolated by lonely and the peoples there are hardly to see,you know.. The typical of city's people who enjoy solitude,but yeah sometimes I think solitude is a bliss,sometimes.. I spend my whole time at there without any information source from my city,no phone no bbm no internet service just a quiet loneliness surrounding,but I made a contact to the 'outside' world once in a while using wi-fi at mcdonald's place,but yea just once in a while. So at that time I think even though the place provide anything good and well but it doesn't satisfied me,like there's something hollow,something missing,like friends.

I hardly arguing with my dad for my decision and he just like always never want to understand,he said my major that I want doesn't has good future,he just blame me and said that I'm just wasting money,yeah I admit it I'm wasting money if I'm leaving,but its better before its going to be worse. And so when I'm leaving the airport we don't say a words,my dad try to speak to me but I just ignored it,I don't care,I already pissed off at that time. After 4 hours flight finally I got back to my town,Surabaya. My dad still pushed me to attend the class when I'm already back to hometown,but yes you know me,I don't attend any class. I choose to study social major by my self to pass national exam next year,I borrow a few books from my social-class mate when I was on high school. And while the time passed I gained knowledge few by few. I wasn't alone at that time,I mean its just not me who try to quit from that engineering college,there was a few friends of mine who can't stand shit anymore,it was Dendy Suarista alias Kemi from chemical science major,Aven from environment engineering major and Sayid from material and metallurgy engineering major. Actually there are the two other pals who struggle with those exam too. There are Syahdad and Danny who hadn't accepted on college on the year before. The six of us now struggling to quit our broken fate,but it just me and Danny who take a-month-acceleration-course. But once in a while I studied in college's library with them. I studied hard because I know that's was the only one thing that can make me passed the test and walk on my path.

So,long story short. Aven and I finally made it. Aven looks so satisfied with it,he accepted in business and management school on ITB, while Syahdad is accepted in communication science major at Udayana University. Even though I passed the test but I'm a bit disappointed with the result. I choose communication science major at UGM in the first place,but I accepted in Brawijaya University in malang,so perhaps I failed right now but maybe this is my fate to walk on this path. Different with us,Sayid and Dendy didn't make it. So Sayid has no other option. he stay at his college. But Dendy keep struggling,he take a few private test which is very expensive at payment,but he made it he accepted in Management Science at Airlangga University. Same like Dendy, Danny finally accepted at Trisakti University majoring accounting. Anyway, Danny and his family now has moved to Bogor to starting their new life.

Six of us now lived separately chasing own future. Well,if people said that we have a choice,it was true. Life start with Birth and end with Death. But there's C between B - D. Well I guess life is about this C. we always have a Choice

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A brand new life

"You made it right?" He suddenly appear in front of me. 

"You know it" I said. 

"so,how's life?satisfied enough?" 

"No" I said shortly 


"You already entered a new fate,now you walk on your own path perhaps this is your renaissance. But you know,this is just a beginning,there's plenty of quest that not accomplished yet" 

"Everything needs beginning,even an epic story has its prologue" I said 

He just smile calmly. Something changes,he looks different. I don't know what,but I know something not going well as they used to be. 

"So maybe this is goodbye" he said 

"What do you mean?" 

"I'm just your dark side,your alter ego. I'm exist because your hateness and loathe from your past. Now things changes,I must go somewhere or maybe just lay deep in your heart,caged deep inside,waiting for the right time,maybe someday in the future you need me again. You're a different person right know" 

"a brand new life has started right?" 

"Yes it is,indeed. A brand new life has started" 

And then he vanished,just like a tiny pieces of dust blowing somewhere far away.

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well, i guess everything happens for a reason

"Sometimes we’re on a collision course, and we just don’t know it. Whether it’s by accident or by design, there’s not a thing we can do about it. A woman in Paris was on her way to go shopping, but she had forgotten her coat - went back to get it. When she had gotten her coat, the phone had rung, so she’d stopped to answer it; talked for a couple of minutes. While the woman was on the phone, Daisy was rehearsing for a performance at the Paris Opera House. And while she was rehearsing, the woman, off the phone now, had gone outside to get a taxi. Now a taxi driver had dropped off a fare earlier and had stopped to get a cup of coffee. And all the while, Daisy was rehearsing. And this cab driver, who dropped off the earlier fare; who’d stopped to get the cup of coffee, had picked up the lady who was going to shopping, and had missed getting an earlier cab. The taxi had to stop for a man crossing the street, who had left for work five minutes later than he normally did, because he forgot to set off his alarm. While that man, late for work, was crossing the street, Daisy had finished rehearsing, and was taking a shower. And while Daisy was showering, the taxi was waiting outside a boutique for the woman to pick up a package, which hadn’t been wrapped yet, because the girl who was supposed to wrap it had broken up with her boyfriend the night before, and forgot.

When the package was wrapped, the woman, who was back in the cab, was blocked by a delivery truck, all the while Daisy was getting dressed. The delivery truck pulled away and the taxi was able to move, while Daisy, the last to be dressed, waited for one of her friends, who had broken a shoelace. While the taxi was stopped, waiting for a traffic light, Daisy and her friend came out the back of the theater. And if only one thing had happened differently: if that shoelace hadn’t broken; or that delivery truck had moved moments earlier; or that package had been wrapped and ready, because the girl hadn’t broken up with her boyfriend; or that man had set his alarm and got up five minutes earlier; or that taxi driver hadn’t stopped for a cup of coffee; or that woman had remembered her coat, and got into an earlier cab, Daisy and her friend would’ve crossed the street, and the taxi would’ve driven by. But life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone’s control - that taxi did not go by, and that driver was momentarily distracted, and that taxi hit Daisy, and her leg was crushed.”

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