Impulsive Update

Okay i promise to be honest and direct and unfiltered and writing this down once without editing whatsoever. it's probably going to suck but nobody reads it anyway. i just want to spill it out about the train of thoughts i've been having lately. so it's currently 1:30 in the morning. i'm at my sister's home. it's a day after ramadhan. ramadhan doesn't feel like a grand ceremonial or anything for me anymore. it's just felt.. stale. like i don't feel any excitement anymore since my grandma and my cousin pass away. i can't no longer feel any connection with this town anymore. yesterday i slept all the day in my grandpa's house just trying to absorb the vibe and atmosphere from my childhood but the feeling wasn't there. i just can't feel anything nostalgic. the place is just too different, so does the people whom i loved. don't get me wrong, it's nice and all in here. but it's just... doesn't feel like home anymore. speaking about home, i also can't tell which city is my home. i feel like a stranger in my own city, Surabaya. mostly because i no longer have close friend in here. well, actually i do have few of them, but they're growing with their own life that i can't relate to. it's hard to explain. but i hope you get what i am saying. by you i mean, someone who randomly click this website from my instagram page or talent acquisition who just checking my blog/social media just to make sure that this person is okay.

Speaking about job. this evening i just got called from a company that tells me that i got the job. yeah i'm glad and all but it's not surprising nor exciting because i just has already know the outcome. not like they've been telling me earlier but more like i know i will be accepted.


how does it feel to be beautiful and loved? 

i know that the world is not fair. if you're keep asking why that things or events happened in your life you'll start to losing your mind and sanity. i've been trying to be nice person. be kind to each other, trying to treated people like the way i want people to treat me. but it just really hard to be unconditionally kind. we always want something back. we expect to. we have desire to be treated kind. but just like Buddha says, desire is the root of suffering. and here it is. i am emotionally suffering. i feel sad because even after i treated girl nicely and respectfully she still rejected me. it felt hurt. sometimes i feel tired of being nice and my believes with people start to fade. i'm just tired. i just want to be loved. for just once in my life. i wish that i don't lose hope to people and continuing being nice to everyone and every being. because life it self has already draining and exhausting and everyone suffering with their own way, their own life path.

i don't want to tell all the detail in here since i don't want to wake the memories. but rejection hurts. it messed your self-esteem and confidence and all. but it's not like i am crumbling or something like that. fortunately i can still hold my shit together. but the thing is, i started to asked why. it's a mistake. i should be know that life is inherently shit and i supposed to not expecting anything. shit i have already mention that earlier. this writing is going nowhere but whatever.

so while i am writing this blogpost i have few things in mind that bother me and i want to complain and spill it out in here. but it slowly gets better because when i am trying to complain about something i have a thought like "well, it's actually not that bad" so probably this writing has already helped me to ease my pain and loneliness. it's feel therapeutic so i don't have to spend money to seek professional helps. well, or maybe not yet. actually, i really wanted to try to talk with therapist just for the sake of curiosity.

god damn what else do i want to write? a lot of happening in my life but it would be too long if i write in here. in terms of career, i'm pretty satisfied with my current condition. well it's not exactly like what i wanted but it could pave the path toward my goal. i am thankful that i have close friends that support me and accepting me for whoever i am. but most of the time i just got lonely. especially during night like this. this defining silence is slicing my hearts. but it's not only when it's quiet or anything like that. even sometimes when i got surrounded with friends or family, i just feels empty inside.

this writing is surely going nowhere. what is the main topic? what is the idea or thoughts i want to address? i have no idea. i have no idea. but i will post it anyway. just for a reflection to my future self.

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Kintsugi : Embracing Imperfection

I believe, in the journey throughout early adulthood, we have to be lost and died at some point. Well, it is of course, figuratively. Every children, begin with an innocence sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something. But as they grow older, they see about the ugly truth of reality. At this point, we may encounter a misfortune. How well we carefully craft our life, at one point, misfortune could happen. By the means of misfortune, It could be failures, heartbreaks, hopelessness, rejections or disappointments. Name it, everyone has their own version of themselves. But one thing is certain ; One’s who are love with or by someone, have to be dealing with the grief of losing. One’s who have a dream may encounter with failure. Love and grief, dream and failure, consequence and regret. one cannot stand without the other as if there will be no rain without sunshine, and that is, sadly, the undeniable part of life.

In the most desperate hours, we might be devastated about what had happened. But in the moment of dissolution we might turn our mind into concept from ancient Japanese term, Kintsugi. Kintsugi (n) “to repair with gold” ; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer. Rather than dispose the broken pottery, they tend to fix it, understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken. The idea is not to hide the damage, but to emphasized on it, embrace it by something that is more beautiful. In real life, sometimes life is not like what we thought it would be.  As modern society is unforgiving about imperfection, we sometimes go hard to ourselves. But, rather than grieving and blaming ourselves about what had happened, we might as well has to be embracing the imperfection of life. Accepting that we have flaws, accepting that we are a human being, accepting that we make mistakes. But I believe the pain we endure during hard time is not a curse, rather, it’s a gift. By dealing with failure, we might as well learn about how to get up. Heartbreaks might be as well a lesson to teach us about acceptance, and rejections might be as well a sign for new opportunities. After the hard times is upon as, we might as well gifted with the new way of seeing life differently. As if the sun come up upon the horizon after a long winter night, we have been, --figuratively, born once again. We upgrade ourselves through the scattered broken pieces, gather it together, and make it’s own meaning with something that is more beautiful than before.

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A letter from the future

(GMT + 09:00) 1^st August 20XX, JAKARTA, Eastern Nation United Federation

Document Number : PTXY – 722 – 8936745 – 42216 – WWN

            This following document has been reviewed by ENUF Time Travel Intelligence  Section and has been approved to send back to Surabaya, Indonesia 12:12 PM (GMT +07:00), Tuesday, February 9, 2016 into Mr. Ardhika Setyo’s email account. All user who give information refers to gambling, business-related prophecy or anything that caused a major time paradox will be punished under the law of United Nation Time Department.

Hai, hello there my young me. Well, it is really  awkward to call my self. Maybe there are lot of confusion in your head right now. Sadly I cannot tell you all the details, because it strictly controlled by government. but all I can tell you is this : I am you, I am the future of you. Alright… alright, like what I have said earlier, I know there would be lot of confusion and it’s okay. Well anyway, if I’m doing the math correctly, this year must be 2016 right? (I hope I’m right because like we both know, we never have been good at math) Great scott!! 2016!! I can’t believe that time flies so quickly, it hell a lot years way back there!! What’s the hip back then? Overhyped EDM music, Star Wars saga, Pokemon GO? I really miss those old days! If I’m not mistaken you will be turn 23 this year and this year also your last time in uni. Ah yes, college year. Time when I learn about a lot of things for life. Lots of great memories, but also lots of the bad ones too. But that is the inevitable part of growing up. Just don’t give up kid! If not because of your struggling back then, I will not become the person as I am right now. Anyway, as you can see in the header, I now live in the Eastern Nations United Federation, a peaceful combination of all the countries in the eastern hemisphere. After a long time, finally human can learn how to live in peace. There are lot of things has changed in this world since couple decades ago. I remember back then in 2016, Indonesia is a shitty country with a lot of problems. But looking back from now, before the merger of countries into ENUF, the economic growth in Indonesia has grown rapidly and has become one major country with powerful economic power. one of many reason why that happened is because many of us, our generation has become leader for this nation. We’ve succeed overcome our own stigma about the old depressing Indonesia, and transform it into more optimistic point of view. Of course it’s not happen overnight to achieve into that state. But now I’m here, from the future, telling you this : yes you can, the future of this nation is belong to your generation, a young optimistic generation. I wish I could tell you how things going to happen, but it would be against the law. As the time goes by, since more and more people are educated,  tolerance is no longer luxury a few people have. People can be more accepted about diversity as the way as it is. That is how the beginning of the unity of nations.

It took a long time for people to realize but eventually at the end of 20XX The Finland’s nation curriculum has spread throughout the world and has become the standard for education for both ENUF & WNUF. And few years later, ILO make a breakthrough by adopting Danish flexicurity as standard model for worker & labor. Technology is also growing rapidly. No we haven’t flying car yet like what people think about the future in your day. But nowadays car is no longer damaging the environment. The early development of water-fueled car has become so significant for the future since public policies are strictly prohibited the usage of fossil fuel. I’m not an expert on this, but since the incident of Amsterdam’s flood and the downfall of Kellogs, government has commit to decrease the usage of fossil fuel to prevent the rise of global degree more further. In a nutshell, the world I live in now is more humanized and more ecological friendlier than yours. Most of this innovation has been discovered during your era, you live in the pivotal moment in humanity’s development. You and your generation has a power to decide whether this world will be better or worst.

            Well, enough for the world now let’s talk about us. Anyway, I’m doing great with my life right now, having family with a beautiful wife and great kids. I also still doing things I love when I was young; traveling, writing, video games and eating junk food. Talking about video games, this industry became so huge nowadays. The rise of  virtual reality offering a broad new experience for gamers. Last year my wife and I attend the 24^th e-sport olimpiade and festival in Tokyo. It was so much fun. It’s funny when I remember back then in my youth days I used to be constantly worrying about lot of stuff. Just keep doing things you believe in kid, and focus on what happen in the present moment and believe me, everything eventually is going to be fine. Of course there would be lot of ups and downs in life, but it’s life and that is how’s life supposed to be right? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention about our wife! all I can tell she’s the most fascinating human being you’ll ever meet. Who’s her? You have to figure it out by yourself! It would be not fair if I tell you right away. But I can assure you, when the time you meet her, you’ll know. Oh boy, I wish I have more time to talk about a lot of things about ourselves, but up until now, time traveling can only send back a little amount of matter & energy. Maybe that’s that my young me, take care there in 2016. Hope you do good!

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On the thought of existential crisis and life after university

Recently, my friends and i who has just been graduated having a conversation revolving around “so, what’s next?”. a subject about what are we going to do after university. It’s difficult question indeed, because none of us don't really know about what should we do with our lives. And then our conversation widen to subject that revolving around human existence ; the purpose of life, the reason why we live, fate, destiny and other stuff we have no clue about. then i thought to my self that my friends and i are having existential crisis. but, before we step forward to talk about existential crisis, we should understand what it really is. An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose, or value.

This issue of the meaning and purpose of existence is the topic of the philosophical school of existentialism who founded by Soren Kierkegaad and Friedrichh Nietzsche. But we’re not going to talk about those philosophy guy because it’s going to be dense and boring as hell. It isn't an academic journal you downloaded from proquest anyway. It’s simply an opinion, and we’re going to talk more about existential crisis and how it’s affect our lives and our choices.

At some point of human life, we as human being will be aware that we are exist and start asking about our existence. Mostly at early twenties when we are going into early adulthood period. Because at this state we usually have a freewill to choose the kind of life we wanted. And we start asking to ourselves “am i going to the right path?”. Since i was a kid until teenager i’ve been following a normal education system and life would be just fine if you follow it. But then boom! After school you have to make your own decision. And sadly, our education system doesn’t give a lesson about this kind of stuff. They only care about cognitive stuff and human being are measured by numbers. And that numbers sadly, are not going to help much in real life.

I’ve been given lot of thougth about how should i live to the fullest with my short insignificant life. but at that time i totally has no idea about what should i do with my own life. why i exist? What kind of my role in society? what is my dream? What is my goal? What i want to achieve? I have no idea. Does any of us really know what’s going on? I bet even Jokowi didn’t know that someday he’ll became a president. I my self, actually been experienced this since my first university dropout.

At the time i graduated from highschool i have no idea what am i going to do then, so just like another normal person i continued my education to university. Now what kind of degree that would make me smart and employeable.... ? ah engineering. So, engineering then. Fast forward a year later, it turn out that i’m completely have no idea why i’m there and start losing sense of direction. Long story till i decided quit and take another degree which i currently studied now. It’s a risky decision, but for the first time i feel like i’m having control of my life.

Having an existential crisis is quite terrifying, but yet, a beautiful process. Why is it terrifying? Because your mind is busy questioning about “the purpose of reality” and whatever you do in your everyday life became distracted. Or meaningless. Or both. Your mind sink in the downward spiralling blackhole wondering wheter you doing the things right. Lying awake in the night thinking about those stuff is unconvenience.

According to Jean-Paul Sartre the angst and confusion from human kind comes from the lack of knowledge about how to be a human being. Because there isn’t blue print about how should we live.  So, It is terrifying because there is no absolute answer about what really is. But it’s also a beautiful process.

According to people who older than me, It’s a beautiful proccess. That’s because after you experienced this suffering part of your life you’ll be more likely became more aware of your surrounding. You’ll be more symphaty, more emphaty, more aware about injustice, inequality among society and become have better understanding about other’s people restlessness.
In a nutshell, you’ll have a better acknowledgement towards another human being. If you’re start asking about the essence of life eventhough there’s no true answer about it, it’s good. It’s mean you’re a living human being. Cogito ergo sum, which mean “i think; therefore i am”. And when you start to think, it’ll make you curious, and when you curious it’ll lead you to knowledge seeking.

You’ll more likely more eager to learn about anything related with human being ; religion, philosopy, psychology, sociology, art, history and other subject that help you to understand yourself better. And when you apply those knowledge into your life, it’ll became a wisdom. And i believe with wisdom, it’ll easier for us to make a wise decision.

Choices and decisions

Human are live in anguish, not because life is terrible but rather, it’s because we are free. We are “condemneed to be free”. We are thrown into existence, and became aware of our self and have to make a choice. At some point in our life we have to make a major decisions that affect our life ; career choice, marriage, etc. And since we were living in the world where there are no fixed value, we are free to choose whatever life we wanted to be as long it’s morally and socially accepted.

At this point, i believe, we should know and notice that everything that we are going to choose is makes who we are. But the question is ; are we really know what we are going to be? In this state, i would tell a little bit story from our head ministry of maritime and fisheries affairs, Susi Pudjiastuti. Using Rhenald Khasali’s term on his book, Susi Pudjiastuti is a true “self-driver” who choose to drop outed from her junior high school purposively and deciding to live with her own way. But i’m not telling you to dropout from school or what, but the lesson we can learn from here is we have to learn to be a “self-driver” not only became “self-passenger”.

In religion point of view, the reason why we are live is to serve and pray to god. In the capitalist society point of view, a good citizen is the one who contribute for their society and economy. But what about YOUR reason? Now let’s going back to the questions “what’s next? what are we going to do after university?” the answer may vary.

My friend 'A' want to continue his study, taking a school to pursuit master degree in France or Netherlands or Australia or Japan or somewhere else i don’t quite remember. My other friend want to work in multinational company, collecting money to propose and marry his current girlfriend. But some other are deciding to join Indonesia Mengajar, living abroad in somewhere remote place, teaching kids and inspiring them, in the hope for a better Indonesia. This one friend want to be an activist in some NGO, raise an issue and try to fix it. My other friend want to start a coffee business, learning more about coffee and get some loan to start his business. While my other friend want to continue his indie band, make another music, create an album, going to tour in several cities.

I learned a lot from them, and they have their own reason why they choose their life path. They became the best version of themselves. I always love to see the world from different eyes. Beside, like Pramoedya Ananta Toer’s quote “setiap kerja, yang bukan kejahatan, adalah mulia”. It is, indeed. Well, how about me? Practically, when all my friends are already graduated, i still have a year in university because my first dropout. so honestly, i still don’t have a clear answer about what should i do after university. But whatever it is, i will be honest to my self and choose a choice that isn't what other’s people say it’s good, but rather, for what i believe in my own version it was good even it wasn’t the best. Because after all, what makes us, is from what we’re doing. We makes choices, until our choices makes us.

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2:36 AM

I haven’t sleep today. I woke up all night long doing stuff I don’t really need to do, fairly speaking. I’m supposed to study for the exam this morning for the subject I hate the most : politics. I’m supposedly have already finish that subject way back 2 semesters ago, but at that time there are lot of things happen in my personal life and I just decided to take it next year. And voila! Here we are right now. I still couldn’t believe that a year come and away that fast. But I’m not really study anyway. I know I’m supposed to, but I’m not. Alright alright… I know I have an issue here. Instead of study about politics (which I don’t really want to know anyway) I end up continuing writing a fiction short story which I currently working right now. But I just couldn’t finish the story because there always doubt whenever I write. Does this plot make sense? Does my character looks real? How if the reader get confuse?. It kills me. I have an issue on perfectionism. I know I’m supposedly writing honestly, clear and loud sounding my thought. I should be just write and be suck. I mean that’s how we are supposed to live while we’re young doesn’t we? To be suck and make mistake and failure and learn and learn and learn again. Because there are no great thing happen overnight. Anyway, I just find out cool blogs that really interesting. Name is Cassandra Nikki. As far as I know, she’s an Indonesian student which currently studying photography in San Francisco, a city where they put broccoli as the topping for pizza (alright, maybe this part only happen in Inside Out movie). She’s cool though, I like how honest she write in her post, and her photographs are also good either. You can google it and see it by yourself. But the thing I like most is the story how’s she really determined to chasing her dream to live in San Francisco. As I scroll and read more further it turn out that she’s a friend of Alanda Kariza, the current writer celebrity everyone talks about. I know her from one of my friend, Fia Madestie when she show me Alanda Kariza’s newest novel “Beats Apart” when we hang out a couple of days ago in Starbucks. As I study her more further (instead of politic) I discover that she has already write her first book by the age of 15. Fifteen! Can you imagine!? And by knowing that fact is somehow intimidating me because this year I would be turn 23. I feel like my youth slipped away by not doing anything significant. There are lots of gap I should catch. If I were serious catching career as a writer (or at least some work which has relevance on creative writing) first thing to do is to maintenance this shitty blog and make it as a portofolio. I mean, I have several writing in my desktop which I haven’t post yet. and my poems… ah yess… my poems are still scattered away. Remind me to gather all my poems okay? and yeah… I have to learn more about vocabulary and more engrish. Maybe if some engrish teacher come and see my writing here, he/she will be burst in tears because my grammar really awful. anyway, the sun has already out now. I have an exam on 8:20 and I don’t have any idea about how am I supposed to answer all the question later. But meh, life is too precious to worry about little thing.

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Antevasin

Since couple of months ago, i’ve been thinking to abandon all the life i have and going away seeking for the greater truth of existence. I mean, there are something greater out there rather than just tiny classroom on university. Lately, I discovered a word that might be picturing what I’ve been  experiencing right now. The word is Antevasin, an ancient Sanskrit word that means “the one who live in the border”. It indicates the person who leave their life in order to seek enlightenment. I feel like there are something out there waiting to be discovered by me. I don’t know what it is exactly, but i know it’s there. It’s like when you gaze into night sky, and you realize when all of those stars blinking vaguely back to you, there are something greater meaning of existence rather than what we are having in everyday life. Somehow I feel like Truman Burbank in the Truman Show movie . okay, maybe not that dramatically. It feels like my day-to-day daily basis become automatic. And there’s nothing worse rather than become not aware that we are a “being” and  living without meaningful experience. No matter how beautiful words are written, there would be no meaning if there is no space in between. doyouliketoreadwordswithoutspacelikethis? i need a space. i need to go.

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Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life

Pernahkah anda bertanya tentang tujuan hidup anda? Seringkali kita terlalu sibuk menjalani kehidupan yang terus menerus dalam siklus yang serupa. Pergeseran nilai nilai kemanusiaan dalam era globalisasi dan teknologi industri yang semakin pesat sekarang ini memaksa kita sebagai manusia mau tidak mau harus menjadi 'robot' atau dalam kata lain adalah dehumanisasi. yang lebih parah lagi jika rutinitas yang biasa kita kerjakan adalah hal yang tidak kita sukai,serasa life for nothing, hidup dalam kesia siaan nilai dan terus diperbudak untuk mengejar materi. 

Pada hakikatnya kita adalah 'human being' tidak sekedar 'human doing' yang terus terusan di paksa 'berlari' di dalam 'treadmill' tanpa tahu akan kemana. Yang kita perlukan adalah keluar dari treadmill ini dan menjadi apa yang anda inginkan. Its never too late to change what you have been to be what you want to. Tapi banyak orang orang sekarang bekerja keras melewatkan hidupnya untuk sekedar mencari uang. Memang salah satu faktor kesejahteraan adalah uang,tapi juga tidak bisa dibenarkan sepenuhnya. Kadang orang orang 'pelari treadmill' terlalu sibuk mengejar materi,bekerja keras hingga stress. Manusia manusia seperti ini kebahagiaannya hanya sebatas awal bulan. If you don't like your job,quit. Think less,feel more find out who you really are. 

Sekarang jaman sudah bergeser,sudah tidak lagi jamannya kerja keras. Jika benar kerja keras menghasilkan uang dan kebahagiaan,tentu saja para pekerja pekerja kasar seperti buruh,kuli dll sudah menduduki strata tertinggi dalam struktur sosial. Yang kita perlukan adalah bagaimana bekerja cerdas. Dahulu manusia bekerja keras menarik barang,sampai akhirnya ada yang berinovasi menggunakan pikirannya untuk membuat sebuah roda,dahulu manusia bersusah payah mendayung kapal sampai akhirnya ditemukan layar. 

Setiap manusia terlahir dengan kecerdasan dan bakat yang berbeda beda.tapi jarang bakat bakat ini disadari dan diselami lebih dalam. Karena para generasi tua biasanya beranggapan bahwa cerdas hanyalah sekedar logic smart. Padahal ada 7 kecerdasan lain yang telah menjadi gift untuk semua manusia. 

Saya setuju dengan quotes dari Confusius "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." Dan saya ingin menyampaikan pada kalian kalian yang ingin memilih jurusan kuliah. Jangan memilih pendidikan teknik atau dokter hanya karena embel embel gaji tinggi, pilihlah jurusan tersebut karena memang benar benar interest dan ada passion di dalamnya. Menurut saya belajar tanpa curiousity adalah sia sia,karena tidak seperti bekerja yang sekedar 'do' tapi juga 'learn' mempelajari hal hal baru. Dan juga ada 'emotional block' karena subconsicius atau alam bawah sadar menolak pelajaran pelajaran tersebut karena tidak sesuai dengan dunianya. Perlu diketahui bahwa sebagian besar memori ditangkap oleh alam bawah sadar. Sebagai contoh saat anda mendengarkan lagu yang anda sukai maka secara tidak langsung alam bawah sadar merekam dalam otak baik nada,irama,lirik,intonasi dan sebagainya, kenapa? Karena memang anda enjoy dan bisa menikmatinya. 

sebaliknya,jika kondisi fisik maupun psikis tertekan maka pemikiran individu tersebut kurang bisa berkembang. Pendidikan yg humanis menekankan pentingnya pelestarian eksistensi manusia,dalam arti membantu manusia lebih manusiawi,lebih berbudaya,sebagai pribadi yang berkembang. 

Untuk para orang tua saya sarankan agar jangan memaksakan hal tersebut,karena sebenarnya anak (dan juga sebagai manusia merdeka) memiliki hak untuk menentukan masa depannya sendiri,orang tua hanya bisa mengarahkan bukan menentukan. Orang tua orang tua seperti ini biasanya melarang anaknya kuliah di jurusan tertentu karena menganggap jurusan tersebut tidak berguna. Membanding bandingkan jurusan yang berbeda itu sama halnya dengan membandingkan dua genre musik yang berbeda beda,ada orang yang suka musik jazz,ada orang yang menyukai musik hardcore,pop,keroncong,blues,swing dll and which better? Ya itu kan tergantung selera masing masing. Padahal semua ilmu pengetahuan itu berguna dan terus berkembang,dunia ini bekerja bagaikan komponen motor komponen motor yang bekerja secara berkesinambungan dan manusia akan terus mencari sub ilmu sub ilmu yang lain untuk diimplementasikan demi kehidupan yang lebih sejahtera. Dan pemikiran kolot pemikiran kolot generasi tua itu bagaikan melarang para pelaut zaman pertengahan mengeksplorasi dunia karena beranggapan ujung dunia adalah jurang,padahal Copernicus telah menemukan teori heliosentris bahwa bumi itu bulat dan matahari sebagai pusat tata surya. Catch the analogy? 

Be the best of you,hidup ini tidak melulu tentang harta dan juga materi,ada hal hal kepuasan batin yang tidak bisa dibeli dengan uang. This world need more kindness rather than cleverness and as I told you in the beginning, find your self because life just once,think less and feel more.

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