It’s a
late night when i suddenly wake up and
felt so strange with the distraction between reality and dream. I glance
at my watch beside my pillow. It’s 2:56. I don’t know what i’m dreaming,
something about fear and anxious i guess. I don’t know, i don’t remember what i
dreaming though. The more i try to remember,the more the dreams get disorted.
Like footprint that washed by the waves on the beach. Slowly fade,until it
finally dissapear. All i can recall is the dream i dreamt leaving some
sentimentally ache, push my brain to a heavy toughts even i don’t want to think
about it. Thinking about life, particulary. I try to sleep again and not think
about it, but i can’t. I get up from the bed and open my cabinet for some
coffee. As i poured hot water from the dispenser, the thoughts is still there
like thousand of people chattering on my head.
I
think life is a journey, a metaphorically journey to find what we’re looking
for. Sometimes, i don’t know what i’m looking for, but i know something is
there. Something that i want find out what it is. But i don’t know what it is
until i found it. There are a lot of stuff i don’t understand. I sometime
wonder why would the universe want me to live or how’s fate works. That’s why.
That’s why i afraid to facing the world out there. There would be lot of mean
and heartless people that might hurt you. Break your heart apart. and everyone
just keeps on disappearing. Some things vanish, like they were cut away. Others
fade slowly into the mist. And all that remains is a desert. But you have to
survive it somehow. Even when you’re in dark, even when you’re falling, even
when the weight of the mountain is on your shoulder. You have to carry your own
weight with your fragile foot even if the ground beneath you are collapsed. You
have pushed to keep on walking, walking on this endless life journey that seems
has no end. But it would ended. Sooner or later. With death as the ending of
this journey.
Sometimes as the time passes, i feel like
every second that happened thru my life is like something that push me from the
edge of the cliff, something that want me to fall into the roughness world of
adulthood, leaving all the innocent phase of childhood. Leaving all the
colorful world of imaginations, replace it with the ugly truth of reality. The
real life it self. It’s deep and dark world out there. some of them are trying
hard to live. Just to live. And some other are walking with no purpose. Some of
them wants to be exile. Some of them are already exiled. some of them are
trapped. Trapped in the infinite loop of society sistem. They seems has to be
lost their soul just to be live. Is this what universe want? Is this what the
purpose why man live? Chasing something that you dont even want it? I think
this is a crap. Our society system is whole big crap. They pushed us to chasing
something after something until we finally get trapped in the whole big crap
system called ‘society’. I don’t think that this is why man live. A real
achievment of this journey is not what on the outside. But how you feel it
inside.
“This early twentieth of your life might be the longest
part of your life, i afraid.”
I saw
him coming away from the corner of my room. Few black feathers falling,leaving
some wind traces behind. I’m not surprised, I knew he would come. In fact,he practically
never leave me. He’s the part of me that buried deep down there in the darkest
space in my heart. The dark side of me has come. The alter ego.
”yes i
afraid so” i said shortly
There’s
some silent
“there are a lot of things has change inside you”
“there
are a lot of things i don’t understand either”
“dont worry, i always be there”
“yeah
because you’re me, you don’t even
have physically form” i said sarcastically
“i will, soon as your dopelgangger”
“what
is dopelgangger?”
“grim reaper”
“so
this is the time?”
“no”
“then
when?”
“i can’t tell. But you’ll know,sooner or later”
“alright
then. So you’re the god?”
“no. I am you”
“so am
i the god?”
“no, i am you.
Your dark side”
“i
don’t believe in you,this conversation ain’t even real. It just mentally
conversation in my head”
“well,just... how you define real? if you can’t see
things doesn’t mean it doesn’t real right?”
“so
the whole real life it self is doesn’t real?”
“i guess so”
“what
do you mean?”
“do you believe in afterlife?”
“well...
i don’t know”
“well... i don’t know either”
he’s trying to mimicking me.
“as i
told you before, there are a lot of things i don’t understand”
“you will, eventually”
“how
do you know?”
“because i am you,don’t
you believe in your self? “
“sometimes
i don’t believe in anybody, even my self”
“i know, i understand”
“so
what’s the point you coming here?”
“why you asked me? You know why i’m here”
“i
just worry and anxious. Worry about lot of things that might be happened in
this real life”
He
take a deep breath and exhaled it heavily
“you see, all young people worry about things eventually.
All of them, no exception. It’s a natural and inevitable part of growing up”
“how
do you know about such things i don’t know if you’re actually me?”
“you think too much and feel too little. Something are
not meant to be to thinked,but to be felt. Some things are real,even when you
can’t feel it. Some things are not meant to be exist,but it’s there. Like god
or fate,they are not meant to be thinked about. But it’s there and it’s real,as
real as the gravity that pull you down right now. Can you see gravity?”
“well...
i can’t”
“i think that’s explain anything. Like you said before,
what’s the matter is not what you have on the outside,but what you feel inside”
“i’m
tired of being such an emotionally person. You see, sometimes i’d wake up at
two or three in the morning and not able to fall asleep again. I’d get out of
bed and staring at the window,watching the dark night sky fall, or sometime i
just staring at the blank,crying. Silently. But what would i cry over? I don’t
know either. I just feeling touchy sometimes. Thinking about people i might
hurt, or people who hurt me. or maybe i think about the people i lost,about the
memories that lost,about pain that remain in the heart,sentimentally ache
feeling about fear and anxious. It’s all
mixed up. I don’t even know how to describe. Words are useless. If i could, i
really want to blame it to someone or something. I really want to do it,but i
don’t. I cry instead. I don’t want to hurt anyone. sometimes i get tired with
emotions. Sometimes i wish i never had any emotions at all. Emotions are........
weak and painful” i can hear my voice tone raised.
“There would be lot of painful experience on this early
twentieth year of your life. Life gets rough sometimes. But there would be the
silver lining of this all, It always darkest before dawn. But it’s okay, you
did the right thing i guess. Sometimes you have to give your emotions a chance
to feel,because your mind at one point could be pointless. Sooner or later
you’ll understand what’s it all means.”
I
stare him for a while then i throw my face at opposite direction when he stare
me back. we both silent. I can hear the sound of car engine echoing somewhere
in the distance. The sound grow bold and then slowly fade away until it
completely silence once again. The air was damp and chill, it looks like gonna
be rain. I can see the early morning dew sparkling faintly on the empty lot in
front of my room being blurred with scretched light bulp through my window. as
the warm coffee’s steam pressed against my face,the sound of rain pelts start
to filling my ears.
“i
guess you are right” i said to him after sipping my coffee
“you know what more powerful emotions than
fear?” He said without looking at me.
“what?”
“it’s hope. The fuel of all mankind to keep
alive”
“yeah.....
you are right. But hope isn’t even emotion”
“so how you classified hope?”
“well.....
i don’t know either”
“it’s doesn’t matter whether hope is emotion
or not. What’s matter is this : how dark and anxious you are,there always be the lights that lead you
eventually”
I nod
silently then sip my coffee again. I glance at his direction. He stare at the
window,but he’s not there,not staring at the window in particular . I can see
his eyes staring at the distant place, seems like he lost in his own toughts.
Drowning into far away place through time and space, reaching memories or
imagination beyond.
“I have to go” he said and glance at my
direction.
I
glance back at him and throw a smile. Then, like water spinning at the sink he
slowly fade away into the darkness, seems like he dissapear into far far away
land. But i know. I know, he’s not going anywhere. He’s still here, at the
darkest side of my heart. I continue sips my coffee and staring at the window,
watching the raindrops racing down like tears streaming down at your face. i
glance at my watch. It’s 4:32 already. I can see the orange dawn’s early lights
at the east distant horizon though it was raining. i finish my coffee,get back
to my bed. I don’t know why but Oasis’s song Stop Crying Your Heart Out start
mentally played in my mind like it was real.
..... cause all of the stars were faded away,just
try not to worry you’ll see them someday. Take what you need, and be on your
way and stop crying your heart out,stop crying your heart out.....
The song keep spinning around in my mind and slowly
fade out as i lost my consciousness. Then, like phone lost its battery, i fall asleep.
