Impulsive Update

Okay i promise to be honest and direct and unfiltered and writing this down once without editing whatsoever. it's probably going to suck but nobody reads it anyway. i just want to spill it out about the train of thoughts i've been having lately. so it's currently 1:30 in the morning. i'm at my sister's home. it's a day after ramadhan. ramadhan doesn't feel like a grand ceremonial or anything for me anymore. it's just felt.. stale. like i don't feel any excitement anymore since my grandma and my cousin pass away. i can't no longer feel any connection with this town anymore. yesterday i slept all the day in my grandpa's house just trying to absorb the vibe and atmosphere from my childhood but the feeling wasn't there. i just can't feel anything nostalgic. the place is just too different, so does the people whom i loved. don't get me wrong, it's nice and all in here. but it's just... doesn't feel like home anymore. speaking about home, i also can't tell which city is my home. i feel like a stranger in my own city, Surabaya. mostly because i no longer have close friend in here. well, actually i do have few of them, but they're growing with their own life that i can't relate to. it's hard to explain. but i hope you get what i am saying. by you i mean, someone who randomly click this website from my instagram page or talent acquisition who just checking my blog/social media just to make sure that this person is okay.

Speaking about job. this evening i just got called from a company that tells me that i got the job. yeah i'm glad and all but it's not surprising nor exciting because i just has already know the outcome. not like they've been telling me earlier but more like i know i will be accepted.


how does it feel to be beautiful and loved? 

i know that the world is not fair. if you're keep asking why that things or events happened in your life you'll start to losing your mind and sanity. i've been trying to be nice person. be kind to each other, trying to treated people like the way i want people to treat me. but it just really hard to be unconditionally kind. we always want something back. we expect to. we have desire to be treated kind. but just like Buddha says, desire is the root of suffering. and here it is. i am emotionally suffering. i feel sad because even after i treated girl nicely and respectfully she still rejected me. it felt hurt. sometimes i feel tired of being nice and my believes with people start to fade. i'm just tired. i just want to be loved. for just once in my life. i wish that i don't lose hope to people and continuing being nice to everyone and every being. because life it self has already draining and exhausting and everyone suffering with their own way, their own life path.

i don't want to tell all the detail in here since i don't want to wake the memories. but rejection hurts. it messed your self-esteem and confidence and all. but it's not like i am crumbling or something like that. fortunately i can still hold my shit together. but the thing is, i started to asked why. it's a mistake. i should be know that life is inherently shit and i supposed to not expecting anything. shit i have already mention that earlier. this writing is going nowhere but whatever.

so while i am writing this blogpost i have few things in mind that bother me and i want to complain and spill it out in here. but it slowly gets better because when i am trying to complain about something i have a thought like "well, it's actually not that bad" so probably this writing has already helped me to ease my pain and loneliness. it's feel therapeutic so i don't have to spend money to seek professional helps. well, or maybe not yet. actually, i really wanted to try to talk with therapist just for the sake of curiosity.

god damn what else do i want to write? a lot of happening in my life but it would be too long if i write in here. in terms of career, i'm pretty satisfied with my current condition. well it's not exactly like what i wanted but it could pave the path toward my goal. i am thankful that i have close friends that support me and accepting me for whoever i am. but most of the time i just got lonely. especially during night like this. this defining silence is slicing my hearts. but it's not only when it's quiet or anything like that. even sometimes when i got surrounded with friends or family, i just feels empty inside.

this writing is surely going nowhere. what is the main topic? what is the idea or thoughts i want to address? i have no idea. i have no idea. but i will post it anyway. just for a reflection to my future self.