Untuk apa seni?

Mungkin bisa dibilang adalah suatu kemutlakan bahwa semua orang menyukai cerita mengenai kepahlawanan. Sedari kecil, seringkali kita mengkonsumsi kisah-kisah mengenai superhero yang menyelamatkan dunia. Sebagian besar  dari kisah-kisah tersebut pada akhirnya berakhir dengan kemenangan tokoh protagonis yang berhasil mengubah dunia dan kemudian mendapat puja-puja. Seru dan menghibur. Mungkin banyak juga dari kita pada awal-awal masa kehidupan, sebisa mungkin menjadi pahlawan dan menyelamatkan dunia seperti apa yang diceritakan di kisah-kisah tersebut. Namun mungkin konsep “pahlawan” dalam dunia nyata tidak seekstrim menjadi seorang superhero.

Beberapa waktu yang lalu, aku bercakap-cakap (virtually) dengan seorang kenalan yang berkuliah di jurusan desain produk di salah satu kampus ternama di Surabaya. Ia berkata bahwa sedari kecil ia bercita-cita menjadi pahlawan seperti power ranger dan bertujuan untuk mengubah dunia. Ia sering berkhayal suatu saat nanti akan mempelajari sains kemudian jadi ilmuan dan menciptakan berbagai hal (semacam alat teleport dll) yg kelak akan mempermudah kehidupan manusia di bumi. Dan singkat cerita entah bagaimana, sekarang ia malah menggeluti dunia seni dan desain. Bagaimana bisa mengubah kehidupan manusia dengan hanya sebuah seni dan desain? Apa bisa mengurangi kemiskinan dengan seni? Atau mencegah korban bencana alam dengan seni? Bagaimana sebuah seni  dan desain bisa memperbaiki keadaan di dunia ini sekarang?

***

Pada suatu ketika, ada kala dimasa aku ingin menjadi seseorang seperti Mahatma Ghandi. ya tapi memang sepertinya tidak semudah membalikkan telapak tangan. Dulu, ketika semester 3 atau 4 (aku lupa persisnya) aku mendapat mata kuliah cultural studies. pada mata kuliah tersebut ada pemikiran dekonstruksi dari Jaquest Derrida seorang filsuf perancis. Dari situ kita diajarkan bagaimana sebenarnya dunia ini timpang tindih sekali. Kita hidup di dunia yang tidak sepenuhnya baik. Apa yang dianggap buruk namun mempunyai komoditas yang tinggi akan terus diakal-akali agar pada akhirnya terlihat baik. Ilmu-ilmu yang kau dapat dari mata pelajaran PKN saat kau duduk di bangku sekolah mungkin bisa saja bertolak belakang dengan realita yang kaudapat. Batas-batas kode moral dan etika antara baik dan buruk bisa menjadi sangat bias. Pada setiap multinational corporate yang besar pasti juga ada jutaan buruh yang sengsara. kau tahu maksutku kan? kau tidak akan bisa menyenangkan orang banyak. Maksutku, akan selalu ada pihak yang akan dirugikan, bagaimanapun itu caranya. Hal itu mengganggu pikiranku sekali, karena aku melihat banyak sekali ketidak adilan. aku mulai melihat dunia ini seperti diakali cukong-cukong serakah yang terus memeras keringat kuli-kuli legam. Dulu itu setiap melihat orang-orang jalanan atau orang miskin, rasanya aku ada beban untuk harus mengubah nasib mereka. seperti iba atas penderitaannya tapi juga tak bisa berbuat banyak. Menjadi "pembela kebenaran" itu sebenarnya juga tidak gampang. hidupmu akan penuh dengan bahaya karena musuhmu juga banyak. saat itu aku kebingunan sekali dengan kondisi seperti itu, tapi ada quote yang kala itu aku tau dari film “It’s kind of funny story” yang menyatakan seperti ini:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

and the courage to change the things I can.”

Jadi, aku pikir dalam merubah dunia, mungkin kita harus merubah hal-hal yang bisa kita rubah seperti diri sendiri. setidaknya kita tahu mana yang benar atau mana yang salah dan sebisa mungkin untuk tidak merugikan orang lain.

Sains, kedokteran, hukum, ekonomi adalah hal yang penting untuk menyokong kehidupan manusia. tapi untuk mengingatkan kembali bahwa kita ini manusia, kita butuh seni. dan hal itu menurutku sangat krusial, karena sekarang ini banyak sekali orang-orang yang lupa kalau dirinya cuma manusia.

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Introvert

As a social creature, we crave connection with other people in order to be living. Or in other words, having interaction with people is a basic need of human being.

I love socializing and I don’t have any problem with it. Meeting with people is fun, but yet, it is exhausting. And in the end of the day, I just want to be left alone in my quiet dark room with no one but my thoughts in order to regain energy.

This past weeks has been really exhausting for me. With all the hurly-burly “lebaran” thing; family gathering, kids whining, babies crying, visiting relative, halal-bi-halal with some close friend etc etc. I know it’s good to have them in my life. but people are draining me up, and when my energy is really low, I really-really need some time alone. And if I don’t have a decent some time alone, I can get pretty upset and it can put me in a bad mood. I can’t function well with too many people around. I feel as if myself is slowly dissolve by this noisy world with its gazzilion people on it, and to regain my sanity back, I have to get away from all of this by creating world of my own inside my head.

I’ve known enough people around me, I want get to know myself better.

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Reinkarnasi lima kali

Setidaknya aku harus reinkarnasi sekurang-kurangnya lima kali untuk akhirnya terlahir menjadi manusia. Sebenarnya tidak lima kali, bisa dibilang cuma empat  kali. Karena pada kehidupanku yang kedua aku hanya menjadi larva lebah yang hidupku cuma tujuh menit dalam ukuran waktu manusia. Aku tidak ingat banyak tentang reinkarnasiku yang kedua itu, yang aku ingat hanya tiba-tiba aku sesak nafas lalu mati. Sudah begitu saja kehidupanku yang satu itu. Payah sekali! Aku juga pernah menjadi seekor gajah. Tapi pada kehidupanku yang menjadi gajah itu, hidupku juga tak jauh-jauh dari kemalangan. Ketika aku menjadi anak gajah dahulu, aku ingat hutan tempat tinggalku dibakar habis oleh manusia. Sampai sekarang pun aku masih ingat perasaan ketakutan yang mencekam pada waktu itu. Kepulan asap hitam meneror dimana-mana, api yang menyala-nyala dan lolongan binatang yang terpanggang. Pada saat itu aku benci sekali dengan manusia. Tapi bagaikan sebuah paradoks karma, pada akhirnya aku terlahir juga menjadi manusia.

Tidak semua kehidupanku berakhir dengan tragis. Ada kala pada suatu ketika aku menjadi seekor burung laut Sterna paradisea. Pekerjaan hidupku hanya melayang-layang diantara perairan laut Bering. Menyenangkan sekali rasanya. Pada sore hari, setelah lelah seharian berburu ikan sardin, aku biasanya terbang santai mengikuti arah angin. Semburat pucat kemerahan terlihat di cakrawala langit barat, dan gelimang berlian memantul-mantul di laut membentuk perpaduan yang melankoli --bahkan untuk seekor burung sepertiku. Tak jarang kawananku merayakannya dengan berkoak-koak. Dan pada malam hari diatap langit terdapat seluruh jagat raya yang berpendar diantara kekosongan angkasa. namun di semesta ini tidak ada yang kekal. Pada akhirnya aku pun meninggal juga. Suatu ketika, saat musim dingin sedang jatuh di belahan bumi utara, aku dan kawananku bergerak ke selatan untuk mencari tempat yang lebih hangat. Ini adalah ritual tahunan kami, terbang bergerombol untuk mencari tempat yang hangat. Biasanya kami akan singgah di perairan dekat kepulauan Galapagos untuk beberapa bulan, lalu kembali lagi ke perairan laut Bering. Saat kawananku terbang ke selatan, di tengah-tengah samudra pasifik aku melihat banyak sekali ikan mengapung-apung di lautan. Karena lapar dan kelelahan, aku dan kawananku langsung bergegas turun dan menyantap hidangan mudah itu. Ikan-ikan itu sudah mati. Atau aku pikir begitu. Namun setelah kawananku menukik dan melahap ikan-ikan tersebut baru kami tahu bahwa yang kami makan bukanlah ikan, namun sekumpulan sampah plastik yang terapung di tengah lautan. Banyak dari kawanan kami akirnya mati karena tercekik. Begitu halnya dengan akhir dari kehidupanku yang satu itu.

Saat aku muda dulu, aku pernah bekerja menjadi seorang buruh di sebuah perusahaan minyak kelapa sawit. Setiap hari rasanya sama saja, melewati lima persimpangan dan empat belas tikungan untuk mencapai ke tempatku bekerja. Jika beruntung, pada suatu pagi yang mujur, kau bisa melewati kelima lampu lalu lintas itu saat keadaan lampu hijau. Jadi kau bisa langsung saja mengebut tanpa harus berhenti. Rasanya aku seperti Sisyphus yang dikutuk dewa-dewi Yunani. Satu-satunya hal yang dapat kunikmati adalah dipenghujung hari aku bisa mampir ke pasar dekat rumahku untuk membeli ikan sardin. Karena tiap kali aku makan ikan sardin aku ingat tentang hari-hariku semasa hidup menjadi burung laut. Tentang pulau-pulau yang hangat di Galapagos selama musim migrasi, dan juga kota-kota di Eropa utara yang penduduknya kerapkali memberi remah roti. Oh ya, kalau kau juga pertamakalinya menjadi manusia sepertiku jangan kaget kalau kau harus membayar apa-apa dengan uang. Itu lho, benda kecil yang terbuat dari kertas. Dan untuk mendapatkannya kau harus bekerja. Maksutku, ini cukup gila kan? Di masa-masa hidupku sebelumnya semuanya sudah ada di alam raya ini. Tapi ketika kau menjadi manusia, kau harus membayarnya! Selama masa hidupku, aku rasa hanya manusia saja yang melakukan hal ini. Lalu, jika kau punya kertas ini dalam jumlah yang banyak kau bisa bertindak semau-maunya. Pernah suatu ketika aku tidak sengaja melihat bosku berbicara dengan dewa hutan, katanya dia mau membeli hutan.

“aku ingin membeli hutan” ujarnya.

“kau mau membeli hutan dariku?” kata dewa itu.

Dewa itu tak ubahnya seperti manusia biasa, menggunakan setelan jas dan sebagainya. Tapi aku tahu jika dia itu dewa hutan, atau setidaknya aku pikir begitu. Dari lagak pembicaraannya dia seperti penguasa yang punya hutan.

“ya, sepetak saja.”

”hal itu bisa diatur” ujar dewa hutan.

Lalu bosku menyodorkan satu koper berisi kertas-kertas itu. Mirip apa yang aku lihat di film-film mafia. Mereka tertawa-tawa, dewa hutan itu lalu berjalan keluar dengan wajah yang ceria dan perut yang melambung. Setelah bosku puas tertawa-tawa, ia kemudian langsung menemuiku dan meyuruhku untuk menyiapkan jirigen minyak yang sangat besar. Besoknya, aku melihat berita di televisi tentang bencana kabut asap dimana-mana. Aku terheran sekali karena bahkan seorang dewa hutan pun dapat menurut jika kau membawa segepok kertas-kertas tersebut.

Beberapa hari setelah kejadian tersebut, aku memutuskan untuk keluar dari pekerjaanku saat itu dan berganti menjadi buruh di sebuah galangan kapal. Ya, aku pikir hal terburuk apa yang bisa terjadi disini? Pekerjaannya hanya mengangkut muatan yang ada dalam kapal. Pada minggu-minggu pertama aku bekerja, semuanya berjalan dengan lancar. Sampai pada suatu ketika aku mendengar percakapan bosku dengan seorang dewa laut. Sama seperti dewa hutan, dewa laut ini terlihat seperti manusia biasa saja. Hanya saja yang membedakan adalah lagaknya yang seolah-olah mempunyai seluruh penjuru laut.

“aku ingin membeli laut” ujar bosku.

“kau mau membeli laut dariku?” kata dewa itu.

“ya, setidaknya ijinkan aku untuk membuang muatan yang tidak perlu kedalam laut”.

Lalu bosku menyodorkan satu koper berisi kertas-kertas yang sama. Mirip seperti yang dilakukan bosku sebelumnya saat aku bekerja di perusahaan kelapa sawit. Mereka tertawa-tawa, dewa laut itu lalu berjalan keluar dengan wajah yang ceria dan perut yang melambung. Setelah bosku puas tertawa-tawa, ia kemudian langsung menemuiku dan meyuruhku untuk membuang sisa-sisa limbah plastik ke laut lepas. Besoknya, aku membaca berita di koran tentang pencemaran limbah di laut.

Pada saat itu aku tersadar, bahwa ternyata yang membunuh kehidupanku sebelumnya adalah diriku sendiri.

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Kintsugi : Embracing Imperfection

I believe, in the journey throughout early adulthood, we have to be lost and died at some point. Well, it is of course, figuratively. Every children, begin with an innocence sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something. But as they grow older, they see about the ugly truth of reality. At this point, we may encounter a misfortune. How well we carefully craft our life, at one point, misfortune could happen. By the means of misfortune, It could be failures, heartbreaks, hopelessness, rejections or disappointments. Name it, everyone has their own version of themselves. But one thing is certain ; One’s who are love with or by someone, have to be dealing with the grief of losing. One’s who have a dream may encounter with failure. Love and grief, dream and failure, consequence and regret. one cannot stand without the other as if there will be no rain without sunshine, and that is, sadly, the undeniable part of life.

In the most desperate hours, we might be devastated about what had happened. But in the moment of dissolution we might turn our mind into concept from ancient Japanese term, Kintsugi. Kintsugi (n) “to repair with gold” ; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer. Rather than dispose the broken pottery, they tend to fix it, understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken. The idea is not to hide the damage, but to emphasized on it, embrace it by something that is more beautiful. In real life, sometimes life is not like what we thought it would be.  As modern society is unforgiving about imperfection, we sometimes go hard to ourselves. But, rather than grieving and blaming ourselves about what had happened, we might as well has to be embracing the imperfection of life. Accepting that we have flaws, accepting that we are a human being, accepting that we make mistakes. But I believe the pain we endure during hard time is not a curse, rather, it’s a gift. By dealing with failure, we might as well learn about how to get up. Heartbreaks might be as well a lesson to teach us about acceptance, and rejections might be as well a sign for new opportunities. After the hard times is upon as, we might as well gifted with the new way of seeing life differently. As if the sun come up upon the horizon after a long winter night, we have been, --figuratively, born once again. We upgrade ourselves through the scattered broken pieces, gather it together, and make it’s own meaning with something that is more beautiful than before.

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Divorce Paper

We were once Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

A havoc wreck of unfortunate destiny.

But beyond desperation and the grief that shouldn’t be,

There’s a wisdom in the place most unlikely;

There’s the time when the last light of Eden fading out of sight.

The days of grey skies march forward in and nothing feels alright.

And then mortal will enslaved by it’s own mind in the horror of the night

In the combat between dark and bright side of the light.

Along with Phoenix reborn from it’s ash

Redeem thy soul by mercy on every clash

Put aside scars and throw it into trash

In the land of new sun, darkness wouldn’t lasts

Because even in the burning loathe and pitch despair

And the collision damage that beyond repair

If  there are hopes still linger in the air,

One’s who forgive, one day shall prevail.

                                     (Surabaya, February 2016)

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A letter from the future

(GMT + 09:00) 1^st August 20XX, JAKARTA, Eastern Nation United Federation

Document Number : PTXY – 722 – 8936745 – 42216 – WWN

            This following document has been reviewed by ENUF Time Travel Intelligence  Section and has been approved to send back to Surabaya, Indonesia 12:12 PM (GMT +07:00), Tuesday, February 9, 2016 into Mr. Ardhika Setyo’s email account. All user who give information refers to gambling, business-related prophecy or anything that caused a major time paradox will be punished under the law of United Nation Time Department.

Hai, hello there my young me. Well, it is really  awkward to call my self. Maybe there are lot of confusion in your head right now. Sadly I cannot tell you all the details, because it strictly controlled by government. but all I can tell you is this : I am you, I am the future of you. Alright… alright, like what I have said earlier, I know there would be lot of confusion and it’s okay. Well anyway, if I’m doing the math correctly, this year must be 2016 right? (I hope I’m right because like we both know, we never have been good at math) Great scott!! 2016!! I can’t believe that time flies so quickly, it hell a lot years way back there!! What’s the hip back then? Overhyped EDM music, Star Wars saga, Pokemon GO? I really miss those old days! If I’m not mistaken you will be turn 23 this year and this year also your last time in uni. Ah yes, college year. Time when I learn about a lot of things for life. Lots of great memories, but also lots of the bad ones too. But that is the inevitable part of growing up. Just don’t give up kid! If not because of your struggling back then, I will not become the person as I am right now. Anyway, as you can see in the header, I now live in the Eastern Nations United Federation, a peaceful combination of all the countries in the eastern hemisphere. After a long time, finally human can learn how to live in peace. There are lot of things has changed in this world since couple decades ago. I remember back then in 2016, Indonesia is a shitty country with a lot of problems. But looking back from now, before the merger of countries into ENUF, the economic growth in Indonesia has grown rapidly and has become one major country with powerful economic power. one of many reason why that happened is because many of us, our generation has become leader for this nation. We’ve succeed overcome our own stigma about the old depressing Indonesia, and transform it into more optimistic point of view. Of course it’s not happen overnight to achieve into that state. But now I’m here, from the future, telling you this : yes you can, the future of this nation is belong to your generation, a young optimistic generation. I wish I could tell you how things going to happen, but it would be against the law. As the time goes by, since more and more people are educated,  tolerance is no longer luxury a few people have. People can be more accepted about diversity as the way as it is. That is how the beginning of the unity of nations.

It took a long time for people to realize but eventually at the end of 20XX The Finland’s nation curriculum has spread throughout the world and has become the standard for education for both ENUF & WNUF. And few years later, ILO make a breakthrough by adopting Danish flexicurity as standard model for worker & labor. Technology is also growing rapidly. No we haven’t flying car yet like what people think about the future in your day. But nowadays car is no longer damaging the environment. The early development of water-fueled car has become so significant for the future since public policies are strictly prohibited the usage of fossil fuel. I’m not an expert on this, but since the incident of Amsterdam’s flood and the downfall of Kellogs, government has commit to decrease the usage of fossil fuel to prevent the rise of global degree more further. In a nutshell, the world I live in now is more humanized and more ecological friendlier than yours. Most of this innovation has been discovered during your era, you live in the pivotal moment in humanity’s development. You and your generation has a power to decide whether this world will be better or worst.

            Well, enough for the world now let’s talk about us. Anyway, I’m doing great with my life right now, having family with a beautiful wife and great kids. I also still doing things I love when I was young; traveling, writing, video games and eating junk food. Talking about video games, this industry became so huge nowadays. The rise of  virtual reality offering a broad new experience for gamers. Last year my wife and I attend the 24^th e-sport olimpiade and festival in Tokyo. It was so much fun. It’s funny when I remember back then in my youth days I used to be constantly worrying about lot of stuff. Just keep doing things you believe in kid, and focus on what happen in the present moment and believe me, everything eventually is going to be fine. Of course there would be lot of ups and downs in life, but it’s life and that is how’s life supposed to be right? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention about our wife! all I can tell she’s the most fascinating human being you’ll ever meet. Who’s her? You have to figure it out by yourself! It would be not fair if I tell you right away. But I can assure you, when the time you meet her, you’ll know. Oh boy, I wish I have more time to talk about a lot of things about ourselves, but up until now, time traveling can only send back a little amount of matter & energy. Maybe that’s that my young me, take care there in 2016. Hope you do good!

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Carpe Diem

I’m a horse, i’m a stallion ; Let me lost in the woods where there is no path to choose

I’m a tiny speck of dust in universe, float endlessly in the uncertainty of galaxy

carried away by the stream of unknown river. until later, when mere mortal can no longer remember

how can you measure forever?

Later on it would be nothing but oblivion

.

I’m an eagle, zizzle dizzel

Fly aimlessly in the vast of endless wild blue yonder

That makes you wonder

The reason of existence only for gold and silver?

I’m a thinker, so let me wander

Until later when mere mortal can no longer remember ; Carpe diem.

until one

Eternity

Later.

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On the thought of existential crisis and life after university

Recently, my friends and i who has just been graduated having a conversation revolving around “so, what’s next?”. a subject about what are we going to do after university. It’s difficult question indeed, because none of us don't really know about what should we do with our lives. And then our conversation widen to subject that revolving around human existence ; the purpose of life, the reason why we live, fate, destiny and other stuff we have no clue about. then i thought to my self that my friends and i are having existential crisis. but, before we step forward to talk about existential crisis, we should understand what it really is. An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose, or value.

This issue of the meaning and purpose of existence is the topic of the philosophical school of existentialism who founded by Soren Kierkegaad and Friedrichh Nietzsche. But we’re not going to talk about those philosophy guy because it’s going to be dense and boring as hell. It isn't an academic journal you downloaded from proquest anyway. It’s simply an opinion, and we’re going to talk more about existential crisis and how it’s affect our lives and our choices.

At some point of human life, we as human being will be aware that we are exist and start asking about our existence. Mostly at early twenties when we are going into early adulthood period. Because at this state we usually have a freewill to choose the kind of life we wanted. And we start asking to ourselves “am i going to the right path?”. Since i was a kid until teenager i’ve been following a normal education system and life would be just fine if you follow it. But then boom! After school you have to make your own decision. And sadly, our education system doesn’t give a lesson about this kind of stuff. They only care about cognitive stuff and human being are measured by numbers. And that numbers sadly, are not going to help much in real life.

I’ve been given lot of thougth about how should i live to the fullest with my short insignificant life. but at that time i totally has no idea about what should i do with my own life. why i exist? What kind of my role in society? what is my dream? What is my goal? What i want to achieve? I have no idea. Does any of us really know what’s going on? I bet even Jokowi didn’t know that someday he’ll became a president. I my self, actually been experienced this since my first university dropout.

At the time i graduated from highschool i have no idea what am i going to do then, so just like another normal person i continued my education to university. Now what kind of degree that would make me smart and employeable.... ? ah engineering. So, engineering then. Fast forward a year later, it turn out that i’m completely have no idea why i’m there and start losing sense of direction. Long story till i decided quit and take another degree which i currently studied now. It’s a risky decision, but for the first time i feel like i’m having control of my life.

Having an existential crisis is quite terrifying, but yet, a beautiful process. Why is it terrifying? Because your mind is busy questioning about “the purpose of reality” and whatever you do in your everyday life became distracted. Or meaningless. Or both. Your mind sink in the downward spiralling blackhole wondering wheter you doing the things right. Lying awake in the night thinking about those stuff is unconvenience.

According to Jean-Paul Sartre the angst and confusion from human kind comes from the lack of knowledge about how to be a human being. Because there isn’t blue print about how should we live.  So, It is terrifying because there is no absolute answer about what really is. But it’s also a beautiful process.

According to people who older than me, It’s a beautiful proccess. That’s because after you experienced this suffering part of your life you’ll be more likely became more aware of your surrounding. You’ll be more symphaty, more emphaty, more aware about injustice, inequality among society and become have better understanding about other’s people restlessness.
In a nutshell, you’ll have a better acknowledgement towards another human being. If you’re start asking about the essence of life eventhough there’s no true answer about it, it’s good. It’s mean you’re a living human being. Cogito ergo sum, which mean “i think; therefore i am”. And when you start to think, it’ll make you curious, and when you curious it’ll lead you to knowledge seeking.

You’ll more likely more eager to learn about anything related with human being ; religion, philosopy, psychology, sociology, art, history and other subject that help you to understand yourself better. And when you apply those knowledge into your life, it’ll became a wisdom. And i believe with wisdom, it’ll easier for us to make a wise decision.

Choices and decisions

Human are live in anguish, not because life is terrible but rather, it’s because we are free. We are “condemneed to be free”. We are thrown into existence, and became aware of our self and have to make a choice. At some point in our life we have to make a major decisions that affect our life ; career choice, marriage, etc. And since we were living in the world where there are no fixed value, we are free to choose whatever life we wanted to be as long it’s morally and socially accepted.

At this point, i believe, we should know and notice that everything that we are going to choose is makes who we are. But the question is ; are we really know what we are going to be? In this state, i would tell a little bit story from our head ministry of maritime and fisheries affairs, Susi Pudjiastuti. Using Rhenald Khasali’s term on his book, Susi Pudjiastuti is a true “self-driver” who choose to drop outed from her junior high school purposively and deciding to live with her own way. But i’m not telling you to dropout from school or what, but the lesson we can learn from here is we have to learn to be a “self-driver” not only became “self-passenger”.

In religion point of view, the reason why we are live is to serve and pray to god. In the capitalist society point of view, a good citizen is the one who contribute for their society and economy. But what about YOUR reason? Now let’s going back to the questions “what’s next? what are we going to do after university?” the answer may vary.

My friend 'A' want to continue his study, taking a school to pursuit master degree in France or Netherlands or Australia or Japan or somewhere else i don’t quite remember. My other friend want to work in multinational company, collecting money to propose and marry his current girlfriend. But some other are deciding to join Indonesia Mengajar, living abroad in somewhere remote place, teaching kids and inspiring them, in the hope for a better Indonesia. This one friend want to be an activist in some NGO, raise an issue and try to fix it. My other friend want to start a coffee business, learning more about coffee and get some loan to start his business. While my other friend want to continue his indie band, make another music, create an album, going to tour in several cities.

I learned a lot from them, and they have their own reason why they choose their life path. They became the best version of themselves. I always love to see the world from different eyes. Beside, like Pramoedya Ananta Toer’s quote “setiap kerja, yang bukan kejahatan, adalah mulia”. It is, indeed. Well, how about me? Practically, when all my friends are already graduated, i still have a year in university because my first dropout. so honestly, i still don’t have a clear answer about what should i do after university. But whatever it is, i will be honest to my self and choose a choice that isn't what other’s people say it’s good, but rather, for what i believe in my own version it was good even it wasn’t the best. Because after all, what makes us, is from what we’re doing. We makes choices, until our choices makes us.

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Blue sky and sunshine are two best cure to mend broken soul

Here now i lay in the grass, reading Travel with Epicurus below the shade of tree and wide blue sky with puff of cotton clouds above. The grass is swaying by the breeze, carrying the unique scent of dirt. It is a time of solitude. An absence of vehicle sounds redefines silence. I only could hear the chirp of the bird filling the air and several conversation from the distant. There are not many visitors today. As far as my eyes sight can reach, i only see 4 camp on the hill across me, painted in colors standing still in the vast fields of grass.  

I stroll the hill beside me. It was a short walk. My friends are already there taking a picture by their phone. In the peak of this hill, what lies beneath our toes is the town of Wonosobo. The town painted in several many colors. Yellow, red, white, brown and blue painted in the roof, surrounded by vast fields and telaga tiga warna in the north. We barely doing anything. We just lay lazily on the grass, staring at the moving clouds and feel the earth rotating on it’s orbit. It was the bliss of not doing anything. The breeze sweep gently. Everyone seems enjoying the moment, some of them closing their eyes, feel the presence of the universe in their mind.

            The sky now became twilight, turn it’s color burst in flame. One after another star start to appear. The wind blow really strong in the night time. The chill penetrate our aching skin. We spend the night talking about life, love and regrets under the gazillion galaxies above us. No fire to heat us. Only a cup of chocolate and friendly conversation. Once in a while i stare at the night sky, spaced out, lost in thought. My friends voices became vague. I feel my presence suddenly insignificant under the stars. I feel microscopicly tiny. I look up into infinite possibilities and realized that there are tons more important things than what we do in everyday life. sometimes we are too absorbed by routine and problems we faced everyday and forget that somehow we are actually the part of the universe. We shared the same atom with galaxies that millions years light speed far away from here. Mind blowing isn’t it? The more i stare at the sea of stars the more realized that my life is insignificant. It’s quite depressing but also relieving. Knowing your problem means nothing compare with this infinite possibilities. broken heart can be mend, regrets can be learned, the lost of the loved one can be healed. Because anything is possible.

            Few hours has pass eversince. We decide to catch the sleep early because the weather getting colder. We slept and awake at the dawn, waiting for a new day to begin. We hike the highest hill, staring the golden sun rising upon the valley. 

For me, what’s matter most from the journey is not what happen in the outside, but what matter most is how you can perceive the world around you from inside. How you can see life from different perspective, how you meet new people and learn about how they see the world. You need to spend some time in another land, among people that things differently than you. Travel makes the world looks new. I always loved the quote from the book Steal like an Artist, it says : “Go travel, because soon when we get home, home is still the same. But something in our mind has been changed, and that changes anything.”  

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Dream Journal

I don’t know how it’s start but the first thing I remember is when I was in my dream, I woke up in my parent’s room. It was dawn when I woke up. I notice the vague vivid light shone from tiny window near the ceiling. Then I took a bath and getting ready for school. I look at the mirror and see my reflection. My hair grew long, just like what I currently have right now. I was already wearing my high school uniform at that time. I don’t know why, but then all of sudden my heart was filled with joy. I was really happy because I’m able going back to my high school. Then I remember it was Monday and I’m afraid because in my high school, we’re not allowed to have long hair. In this manner, every monday there’s inspection during flag ceremony. Immediately, I asked my mom about it. My mom said “what are you worried? You are already in college now”. I realize about it, and feeling a little bit disappointed because I love my high school. But I decided continue to wear my high school uniform instead.

All of sudden I was walking to my high school. I stop and checked my phone. I open snapchat, there’s a girl admire me. It turn out it was one of my friend in the college.

I end up in a mall. I step to the escalator which made from rock. In the left side of the escalator there is a waterfall and two people playing baseball. The ball were accidently throwed over me, I tried to catch it but I failed. I continue to walk with some friends I don’t remember who they are. i went to the fifth floor and going back again in rock escalator. One of my friend has a baseball glove on his hand. He tried to catch the ball that were throwed towards him. he able to catch it. I envied him because he able to catch the ball. I borrowed my friend’s glove. There’s a ball coming and landed in one of the hole in the rock. all of sudden I said “New York!” but I failed to catch, I missed it. Then my friend took it from the hole.

From the distant, suddenly there is a character in video game shooting his riffle gun to us. I ran, thinking what video game character I should summon. I found a Tamiya and it’s track but I couldn’t summon it because it was a toy car and not a video game character. I continue to exploring the mall. I went to higher floor, and I found a XXI Cinema. I saw it from the distant but whenever I try to approach it, it disappear out of sight. I asked to the people there “excuse me, where’s XXI Cinema?”

i see it in google and i thought it's quiet representative.

and she said “it was there, go take this excalator”. I ran there but Its not there, the XXI Cinema is not there. All of sudden I was in lobby room. There are some pokemon dolls in there. I took charizard doll, I summon it and became real. I hop onto his back.

But now I was in the car with my friend. I sat on the back. We are looking some food to eat. We passed several restaurant and cafe, but my friend not agree to eat at those restaurant. I remember it was in jalan belimbing in Malang but the street is more dense and look like Braga street in Bandung. Before we can decided to be able find restaurant, I suddenly end up in the middle of exam. I was sitting in the back. I look in the windows, the sky was perfect blue. The teacher is a fat middle aged woman whom I don’t remember who that is. A soccer ball drop from the ceiling and the teacher desk transform into a goal. I ran towards the ball and kick it, teacher couldn’t save it. My friend in the class cheer and congratulate me, but the teacher is angry. “this is not fair” said the teacher. She rumbled few words I can’t quite catch it. I keep smiling and my classmate keep cheering me. I feel like a detective who just solved a murder case. I ripped my shirt apart and the teacher said she was going to sue me. I make a clever argument and she lose. Another teacher, a younger one, enter the class.

“you are clever, what are you studying?” she said 

“engineering” I lied. 

And we going back in our desk. one of my classmate shout “he lied!”. The teacher stare at me as if she want to ask for any validation. I smirk and said “I was studying in Nanyang University” then the teacher said “you are clever, but this grade is not reflecting you”. Immediately I picture myself studying in university library. the vision washed away, I was hanging out with girlfriend (although i currently don't have girlfriend). we were strolling the city. I picture my self living in Singapore.

And then I woke up with the strange feeling of excitement.

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2:36 AM

I haven’t sleep today. I woke up all night long doing stuff I don’t really need to do, fairly speaking. I’m supposed to study for the exam this morning for the subject I hate the most : politics. I’m supposedly have already finish that subject way back 2 semesters ago, but at that time there are lot of things happen in my personal life and I just decided to take it next year. And voila! Here we are right now. I still couldn’t believe that a year come and away that fast. But I’m not really study anyway. I know I’m supposed to, but I’m not. Alright alright… I know I have an issue here. Instead of study about politics (which I don’t really want to know anyway) I end up continuing writing a fiction short story which I currently working right now. But I just couldn’t finish the story because there always doubt whenever I write. Does this plot make sense? Does my character looks real? How if the reader get confuse?. It kills me. I have an issue on perfectionism. I know I’m supposedly writing honestly, clear and loud sounding my thought. I should be just write and be suck. I mean that’s how we are supposed to live while we’re young doesn’t we? To be suck and make mistake and failure and learn and learn and learn again. Because there are no great thing happen overnight. Anyway, I just find out cool blogs that really interesting. Name is Cassandra Nikki. As far as I know, she’s an Indonesian student which currently studying photography in San Francisco, a city where they put broccoli as the topping for pizza (alright, maybe this part only happen in Inside Out movie). She’s cool though, I like how honest she write in her post, and her photographs are also good either. You can google it and see it by yourself. But the thing I like most is the story how’s she really determined to chasing her dream to live in San Francisco. As I scroll and read more further it turn out that she’s a friend of Alanda Kariza, the current writer celebrity everyone talks about. I know her from one of my friend, Fia Madestie when she show me Alanda Kariza’s newest novel “Beats Apart” when we hang out a couple of days ago in Starbucks. As I study her more further (instead of politic) I discover that she has already write her first book by the age of 15. Fifteen! Can you imagine!? And by knowing that fact is somehow intimidating me because this year I would be turn 23. I feel like my youth slipped away by not doing anything significant. There are lots of gap I should catch. If I were serious catching career as a writer (or at least some work which has relevance on creative writing) first thing to do is to maintenance this shitty blog and make it as a portofolio. I mean, I have several writing in my desktop which I haven’t post yet. and my poems… ah yess… my poems are still scattered away. Remind me to gather all my poems okay? and yeah… I have to learn more about vocabulary and more engrish. Maybe if some engrish teacher come and see my writing here, he/she will be burst in tears because my grammar really awful. anyway, the sun has already out now. I have an exam on 8:20 and I don’t have any idea about how am I supposed to answer all the question later. But meh, life is too precious to worry about little thing.

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