The turning point

You fell into deep dark metaphorically symbolical sandstorm there.

You have to crawl,walk,run or whatever it takes to keep moving.

But everytime the time you try to move,your whole self start to aching.

it’s not only your heart that aching.

It’s you.

It’s all over you that aching.

And you have to find yourself back.

The storm might cut your flesh in every steps you take.

Hot red blood may spilled there, your bones are cracking.

But you can’t just stand there.

Your whole body would be turn into ashes.

And soon your soul will decay.

All you can do is just keep moving.

You have to keep moving until everythings fades.

It takes time,of course.

Maybe weeks, maybe months or even years.

But at the time you find yourself back, you would be a different person.

your behavior,point of view,thoughts and kind of things will be different.

It’s all change.

Until you realize something inside you had change

it’s no longer you used to be anymore

You’ve changed.

Pain makes you change.

“As the storm is over, you would be a different person as you come in”

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Love letter

It was my fresman year. My second freshman year. I’ve been having study before on engineering major. But I decided to quit, it’s a long story after all. After a long struggling trough deep sorrow and millions questions about life, I finally can walk on and pursue my dream, not my dream actually but at least I enjoyed what I’ve been having right now. Sometimes I don’t know what I want, what the purpose of life, so I don’t know whether it’s my dream or not. But life seems more better than before, than my previous year when I ran my life at the wrong place. And here I am, end up in this new society to starting a new life.

Everything feels good, feels like this is how life should be. I don’t know, maybe because I met this person. We’re having so many good times since I move here. We’ve talked about anything, we share about our story, we give each other shoulder when we felt the weight on the shoulder felt too heavy, we swept our each other tears when the pain in heart felt unbearable. It’s just…. Everything feels like home, everything seems better when she’s around. And I’ve been thinking about her everyday, I think I’m fall in love with her. I was so happy with her, but at the same time I was so afraid of losing her. Whenever I saw her, I feel like I see me in her, even though sometime I don’t understand my self either. Sometimes I feel like she’s right in front of me, but at the same time she seems like she was millions light years apart far away. Why? Because she never love me.

I don’t know what happened to me, I just love her without any vivid reason to explain. Maybe I know I was wrong since from the start, I should not falling in love with her. But I did, love happens. But even though like that, I still love her anyway, with or without any relationship. I know it hurt, but I already drown to her world. Maybe I’m fool, but I know what love is, and I know I love her, but she’s not. She loves someone else who better than me. I was so in love with her, but the more I love her the more I realize that I should let her go. It’s complicated emotions that even myself don’t understand. I won’t push myself too hard anymore, I’ll be just me for whatever lies beyond this path, and let happen whatever might happen. Maybe we’ll live and learn. Maybe we’ll crash and burn. Maybe you’ll stay, maybe you’ll leave, maybe you’ll return.

Love has taught me of great lessons of life, of joy, of pain, of smile, of tears, of everything. Love taught me how to make people you care about is happy, how to make them safe when they’re lonely, how to make them smile again after tears flowing in their eyes and how to be sincere when they walk away. I want to keep her in my heart to remind me of so much smile and joyful, sadness and tears, and another precious memories once we had and we’ve been through together even though she don’t felt the same thing as I felt. I hope that she’ll always remember me.

               “If you remember me, I don’t care everyone else to forget”

            Take care of yourself, I really do hope that you’re always happy for the life you have. I loved you, I love you, and I’ll always love you, it was you and always be you.

Ps : on her twentieth birthday i give her this letter. wherever you are now. i really do hope that you're happy with the life you live.

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We always have a choice

               A brand new life has started, after all of those struggle,finally I made it, I quit from my broken past. So I'll tell you from the beginning......

Its started when the second semester begun,I hardly to pay my college cost because I don't want to stay at that place again,I was sick and I can't stand it anymore. But my parents force me to stay at that place for at least one semester and then I cantake course to take another national exam next year. So with hard feeling I pay for those fuckin college payment,and I regret it. I just attend the class for just a week or two weeks,I don't remember it right and I don't freakin care,past is just a past right? Let it go. So long story short,I decided to take a break for calming down my trembling mind for a while,I take a trip to malaysia,to my dad's place. I went there with my mom and brother,I thought my dad has already understand why I'm leaving and take the trip,but no he's doesn't know a single thing and don't even understand why I'm leaving,he just blame at me and insisted me to stay at there. But I said no,I've already made decision for my future....

The two weeks trip doesn't enjoyed me at all,but at least I leave that college and don't see that place and it made me somehow more calm. And it is important to me to get more calm and leaving that world for a while because I guess I've got some mentally illness or kind of thing. Yes,I've try to visit to psychology treatment at near my former college,but I don't made it because it cost me a lot of money,poor me. So maybe I just need to make my head cool and let the time heal it. Back to the main story,I hardly spend my time at Malaysia even though my dad's place is way much better than my own. But that not make me happy,I don't know.... The place kind of isolated by lonely and the peoples there are hardly to see,you know.. The typical of city's people who enjoy solitude,but yeah sometimes I think solitude is a bliss,sometimes.. I spend my whole time at there without any information source from my city,no phone no bbm no internet service just a quiet loneliness surrounding,but I made a contact to the 'outside' world once in a while using wi-fi at mcdonald's place,but yea just once in a while. So at that time I think even though the place provide anything good and well but it doesn't satisfied me,like there's something hollow,something missing,like friends.

I hardly arguing with my dad for my decision and he just like always never want to understand,he said my major that I want doesn't has good future,he just blame me and said that I'm just wasting money,yeah I admit it I'm wasting money if I'm leaving,but its better before its going to be worse. And so when I'm leaving the airport we don't say a words,my dad try to speak to me but I just ignored it,I don't care,I already pissed off at that time. After 4 hours flight finally I got back to my town,Surabaya. My dad still pushed me to attend the class when I'm already back to hometown,but yes you know me,I don't attend any class. I choose to study social major by my self to pass national exam next year,I borrow a few books from my social-class mate when I was on high school. And while the time passed I gained knowledge few by few. I wasn't alone at that time,I mean its just not me who try to quit from that engineering college,there was a few friends of mine who can't stand shit anymore,it was Dendy Suarista alias Kemi from chemical science major,Aven from environment engineering major and Sayid from material and metallurgy engineering major. Actually there are the two other pals who struggle with those exam too. There are Syahdad and Danny who hadn't accepted on college on the year before. The six of us now struggling to quit our broken fate,but it just me and Danny who take a-month-acceleration-course. But once in a while I studied in college's library with them. I studied hard because I know that's was the only one thing that can make me passed the test and walk on my path.

So,long story short. Aven and I finally made it. Aven looks so satisfied with it,he accepted in business and management school on ITB, while Syahdad is accepted in communication science major at Udayana University. Even though I passed the test but I'm a bit disappointed with the result. I choose communication science major at UGM in the first place,but I accepted in Brawijaya University in malang,so perhaps I failed right now but maybe this is my fate to walk on this path. Different with us,Sayid and Dendy didn't make it. So Sayid has no other option. he stay at his college. But Dendy keep struggling,he take a few private test which is very expensive at payment,but he made it he accepted in Management Science at Airlangga University. Same like Dendy, Danny finally accepted at Trisakti University majoring accounting. Anyway, Danny and his family now has moved to Bogor to starting their new life.

Six of us now lived separately chasing own future. Well,if people said that we have a choice,it was true. Life start with Birth and end with Death. But there's C between B - D. Well I guess life is about this C. we always have a Choice

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A brand new life

"You made it right?" He suddenly appear in front of me. 

"You know it" I said. 

"so,how's life?satisfied enough?" 

"No" I said shortly 


"You already entered a new fate,now you walk on your own path perhaps this is your renaissance. But you know,this is just a beginning,there's plenty of quest that not accomplished yet" 

"Everything needs beginning,even an epic story has its prologue" I said 

He just smile calmly. Something changes,he looks different. I don't know what,but I know something not going well as they used to be. 

"So maybe this is goodbye" he said 

"What do you mean?" 

"I'm just your dark side,your alter ego. I'm exist because your hateness and loathe from your past. Now things changes,I must go somewhere or maybe just lay deep in your heart,caged deep inside,waiting for the right time,maybe someday in the future you need me again. You're a different person right know" 

"a brand new life has started right?" 

"Yes it is,indeed. A brand new life has started" 

And then he vanished,just like a tiny pieces of dust blowing somewhere far away.

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well, i guess everything happens for a reason

"Sometimes we’re on a collision course, and we just don’t know it. Whether it’s by accident or by design, there’s not a thing we can do about it. A woman in Paris was on her way to go shopping, but she had forgotten her coat - went back to get it. When she had gotten her coat, the phone had rung, so she’d stopped to answer it; talked for a couple of minutes. While the woman was on the phone, Daisy was rehearsing for a performance at the Paris Opera House. And while she was rehearsing, the woman, off the phone now, had gone outside to get a taxi. Now a taxi driver had dropped off a fare earlier and had stopped to get a cup of coffee. And all the while, Daisy was rehearsing. And this cab driver, who dropped off the earlier fare; who’d stopped to get the cup of coffee, had picked up the lady who was going to shopping, and had missed getting an earlier cab. The taxi had to stop for a man crossing the street, who had left for work five minutes later than he normally did, because he forgot to set off his alarm. While that man, late for work, was crossing the street, Daisy had finished rehearsing, and was taking a shower. And while Daisy was showering, the taxi was waiting outside a boutique for the woman to pick up a package, which hadn’t been wrapped yet, because the girl who was supposed to wrap it had broken up with her boyfriend the night before, and forgot.

When the package was wrapped, the woman, who was back in the cab, was blocked by a delivery truck, all the while Daisy was getting dressed. The delivery truck pulled away and the taxi was able to move, while Daisy, the last to be dressed, waited for one of her friends, who had broken a shoelace. While the taxi was stopped, waiting for a traffic light, Daisy and her friend came out the back of the theater. And if only one thing had happened differently: if that shoelace hadn’t broken; or that delivery truck had moved moments earlier; or that package had been wrapped and ready, because the girl hadn’t broken up with her boyfriend; or that man had set his alarm and got up five minutes earlier; or that taxi driver hadn’t stopped for a cup of coffee; or that woman had remembered her coat, and got into an earlier cab, Daisy and her friend would’ve crossed the street, and the taxi would’ve driven by. But life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone’s control - that taxi did not go by, and that driver was momentarily distracted, and that taxi hit Daisy, and her leg was crushed.”

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