On the thought of existential crisis and life after university

Recently, my friends and i who has just been graduated having a conversation revolving around “so, what’s next?”. a subject about what are we going to do after university. It’s difficult question indeed, because none of us don't really know about what should we do with our lives. And then our conversation widen to subject that revolving around human existence ; the purpose of life, the reason why we live, fate, destiny and other stuff we have no clue about. then i thought to my self that my friends and i are having existential crisis. but, before we step forward to talk about existential crisis, we should understand what it really is. An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose, or value.

This issue of the meaning and purpose of existence is the topic of the philosophical school of existentialism who founded by Soren Kierkegaad and Friedrichh Nietzsche. But we’re not going to talk about those philosophy guy because it’s going to be dense and boring as hell. It isn't an academic journal you downloaded from proquest anyway. It’s simply an opinion, and we’re going to talk more about existential crisis and how it’s affect our lives and our choices.

At some point of human life, we as human being will be aware that we are exist and start asking about our existence. Mostly at early twenties when we are going into early adulthood period. Because at this state we usually have a freewill to choose the kind of life we wanted. And we start asking to ourselves “am i going to the right path?”. Since i was a kid until teenager i’ve been following a normal education system and life would be just fine if you follow it. But then boom! After school you have to make your own decision. And sadly, our education system doesn’t give a lesson about this kind of stuff. They only care about cognitive stuff and human being are measured by numbers. And that numbers sadly, are not going to help much in real life.

I’ve been given lot of thougth about how should i live to the fullest with my short insignificant life. but at that time i totally has no idea about what should i do with my own life. why i exist? What kind of my role in society? what is my dream? What is my goal? What i want to achieve? I have no idea. Does any of us really know what’s going on? I bet even Jokowi didn’t know that someday he’ll became a president. I my self, actually been experienced this since my first university dropout.

At the time i graduated from highschool i have no idea what am i going to do then, so just like another normal person i continued my education to university. Now what kind of degree that would make me smart and employeable.... ? ah engineering. So, engineering then. Fast forward a year later, it turn out that i’m completely have no idea why i’m there and start losing sense of direction. Long story till i decided quit and take another degree which i currently studied now. It’s a risky decision, but for the first time i feel like i’m having control of my life.

Having an existential crisis is quite terrifying, but yet, a beautiful process. Why is it terrifying? Because your mind is busy questioning about “the purpose of reality” and whatever you do in your everyday life became distracted. Or meaningless. Or both. Your mind sink in the downward spiralling blackhole wondering wheter you doing the things right. Lying awake in the night thinking about those stuff is unconvenience.

According to Jean-Paul Sartre the angst and confusion from human kind comes from the lack of knowledge about how to be a human being. Because there isn’t blue print about how should we live.  So, It is terrifying because there is no absolute answer about what really is. But it’s also a beautiful process.

According to people who older than me, It’s a beautiful proccess. That’s because after you experienced this suffering part of your life you’ll be more likely became more aware of your surrounding. You’ll be more symphaty, more emphaty, more aware about injustice, inequality among society and become have better understanding about other’s people restlessness.
In a nutshell, you’ll have a better acknowledgement towards another human being. If you’re start asking about the essence of life eventhough there’s no true answer about it, it’s good. It’s mean you’re a living human being. Cogito ergo sum, which mean “i think; therefore i am”. And when you start to think, it’ll make you curious, and when you curious it’ll lead you to knowledge seeking.

You’ll more likely more eager to learn about anything related with human being ; religion, philosopy, psychology, sociology, art, history and other subject that help you to understand yourself better. And when you apply those knowledge into your life, it’ll became a wisdom. And i believe with wisdom, it’ll easier for us to make a wise decision.

Choices and decisions

Human are live in anguish, not because life is terrible but rather, it’s because we are free. We are “condemneed to be free”. We are thrown into existence, and became aware of our self and have to make a choice. At some point in our life we have to make a major decisions that affect our life ; career choice, marriage, etc. And since we were living in the world where there are no fixed value, we are free to choose whatever life we wanted to be as long it’s morally and socially accepted.

At this point, i believe, we should know and notice that everything that we are going to choose is makes who we are. But the question is ; are we really know what we are going to be? In this state, i would tell a little bit story from our head ministry of maritime and fisheries affairs, Susi Pudjiastuti. Using Rhenald Khasali’s term on his book, Susi Pudjiastuti is a true “self-driver” who choose to drop outed from her junior high school purposively and deciding to live with her own way. But i’m not telling you to dropout from school or what, but the lesson we can learn from here is we have to learn to be a “self-driver” not only became “self-passenger”.

In religion point of view, the reason why we are live is to serve and pray to god. In the capitalist society point of view, a good citizen is the one who contribute for their society and economy. But what about YOUR reason? Now let’s going back to the questions “what’s next? what are we going to do after university?” the answer may vary.

My friend 'A' want to continue his study, taking a school to pursuit master degree in France or Netherlands or Australia or Japan or somewhere else i don’t quite remember. My other friend want to work in multinational company, collecting money to propose and marry his current girlfriend. But some other are deciding to join Indonesia Mengajar, living abroad in somewhere remote place, teaching kids and inspiring them, in the hope for a better Indonesia. This one friend want to be an activist in some NGO, raise an issue and try to fix it. My other friend want to start a coffee business, learning more about coffee and get some loan to start his business. While my other friend want to continue his indie band, make another music, create an album, going to tour in several cities.

I learned a lot from them, and they have their own reason why they choose their life path. They became the best version of themselves. I always love to see the world from different eyes. Beside, like Pramoedya Ananta Toer’s quote “setiap kerja, yang bukan kejahatan, adalah mulia”. It is, indeed. Well, how about me? Practically, when all my friends are already graduated, i still have a year in university because my first dropout. so honestly, i still don’t have a clear answer about what should i do after university. But whatever it is, i will be honest to my self and choose a choice that isn't what other’s people say it’s good, but rather, for what i believe in my own version it was good even it wasn’t the best. Because after all, what makes us, is from what we’re doing. We makes choices, until our choices makes us.